MARIANA TRENCH — In a shocking discovery that has left both religious scholars and deep-sea treasure hunters equally baffled, a team of marine biologists piloting an exploratory drone in one of the deepest parts of the Pacific Ocean captured footage of the three Nephites — the legendary immortal disciples from the Book of Mormon — casually trudging along the ocean floor, hauling what appeared to be centuries’ worth of ill-gotten treasure.
“It was like National Treasure meets The Book of Mormon meets Finding Nemo,” said Dr. Tina Alvarez, who led the NOAA expedition. “At first we thought it was some kind of weird coral formation. Then one of them turned around and gave the drone a thumbs-up. That’s when we knew it was something biblical.”
According to LDS scripture, the three Nephites were granted immortality by Jesus Christ around 34 A.D. so they could continue to minister on Earth until His second coming. Church folklore has long speculated they might be helping stranded motorists in the Utah desert or quietly operating a Chick-fil-A franchise in Logan. But until now, no one could confirm their whereabouts.
Now we know: they’ve been absolutely balling beneath the sea.
Drone footage shows the trio — wearing rust-covered robes, waterlogged sandals, and inexplicably stylish Oakleys — steadily pushing a massive barnacle-encrusted treasure chest while one of them grunts under the weight of a marble statue of a bare-chested Julius Caesar, believed to have been lost from a Nazi gold ship bound for Argentina in 1945.
In addition to how nice the riches are, the 3 Nephites also believe that they are simply continuing Joseph Smith’s original mission: treasure hunting.
“They didn’t seem particularly in a hurry,” said Dr. Alvarez. “Honestly they were in a pretty zen state, didn’t even flinch when the drone camera snuck up on them.”
Further footage reveals a narrow trench in the ocean floor that opens into what researchers are calling “a full-blown immortal man cave,” featuring a palatial grotto outfitted with solid gold furnishings, 1980s arcade cabinets, and what one expert described as “at least five different fully functional hot tubs, each themed after a different dispensation.”
The Nephites — who reportedly refer to themselves as “The Eternal Bros” — have allegedly spent the last two millennia collecting lost treasure from shipwrecks, hoarding it in their lair, and binge-watching human civilization like it’s prestige TV.
When asked by the drone’s audio transmitter why they weren’t, say, spreading the gospel or curing disease, one of the Nephites responded, “We did that for like 1,800 years. Then we realized nobody checks in. Honestly we’re just trying to make retirement fun.”
The LDS Church released a carefully worded statement Monday:
We affirm that the three Nephites are free agents under divine commission. We are not responsible for their behavior. Also, we categorically deny any connection between their underwater hideout and the mysterious disappearance of the Salt Lake Temple’s solid-gold doorknobs in 1923.
Official Church Statement
The Church’s PR representative declined to comment on a rumor that one of the Nephites had been spotted at a 2006 BYU football game in a full Cosmo the Cougar costume, performing super-human feats, such as quadruple flips and cheering for BYU.
Meanwhile, the Nephites have reportedly requested that their location remain undisclosed, citing privacy concerns and a growing resentment toward “influencer culture.”
“We tried to start a YouTube channel in 2011,” one of them told the drone. “But nobody wanted to watch three ancient immortals discuss the Council of Nicea over conch-shell margaritas. Their loss.”
