SALT LAKE CITY—Local actuary Sarah Whitmore has begun to suspect that her job at Beneficial Financial Group, an LDS Church-owned insurance company, is plagued by an unseen evil. However, instead of recognizing the sinister force of unchecked corporate greed disguised as religious stewardship, she has concluded that it must be, quite literally, Satan hiding in the details.
“I just get this feeling, you know? Like a dark presence when I’m reviewing these policy exclusions or setting premiums for missionary health plans,” said Whitmore, thumbing through a hundred-page document designed to ensure minimal payouts to widows and orphans. “I know the Lord works in mysterious ways, but these loopholes feel like they were crafted in the very pits of hell.”
Whitmore, a faithful Latter-day Saint, first began noticing the “dark influence” while working on Beneficial Financial Group’s newly launched “Celestial Term Life Plan,” which guarantees returns in perpetuity—as long as you keep up with the tithing-based premium structure.
“We base our rates on a faith-adjusted actuarial table,” Whitmore explained. “The more tithing you pay, the better your policy. If you pay the full ten percent, your family might just receive their benefits in full. But anything less than that, well, let’s just say our Heavenly Underwriter isn’t too keen on partial obedience.”
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Her suspicions of infernal interference deepened when she discovered that Zion Mutual was also managing a “Second Anointing Supplemental Health Insurance” plan, which offers top-tier coverage for General Authorities but only catastrophic prayer-based intervention for rank-and-file members.
“I started asking, ‘Who is this really benefiting?’” Whitmore pondered, before immediately banishing the thought as a test of faith. “But then I realized—the Adversary wants me to question the Lord’s financial arrangements! Of course these exorbitant premiums and minimal payouts make sense. The Church is preparing for the Second Coming, and you can’t do that without a robust investment portfolio.”
Zion Mutual, just one of many financial tentacles of the LDS Church’s vast corporate empire, has consistently operated with the utmost righteousness—meaning it enjoys tax-exempt status while raking in billions. The company is part of a sprawling network of for-profit ventures, including land development, cattle ranching, and, in at least one case, a Hawaiian Polynesian theme park where eternal salvation is celebrated with a $79 luau package.
At press time, Whitmore was feeling “a sense of peace and spiritual reassurance” after her bishop reminded her that the Church’s $150 billion investment fund is “just a rainy day fund for the Millennial Reign of Christ.” She now plans to redouble her efforts at Zion Mutual, working hard to ensure that even in times of loss and hardship, the Church’s financial reserves will remain untouched—just as God intended.
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