EDEN (AP) — In a shocking turn of events that has rocked the entire neighborhood (which includes only two homes), Adam and Eve are reeling after their son Cain murdered his brother Abel in what authorities are calling “the earliest recorded case of sibling rivalry gone homicidal.”
While the grief-stricken parents issued a brief statement — “We’re still working through some things with the Lord” — their longtime neighbors, Adam and Steve, were quick to respond with heartfelt support.
“Our thoughts and prayers are with Adam and Eve during this unimaginably difficult time,” said Steve, stirring a beurre blanc sauce while preheating the oven for a duck confit that they plan to deliver to the mourning parents. “No parent should ever have to bury a child. Especially not because of another one of their children.”
The couple, known for their perfectly manicured fig garden and annoyingly effective composting system, delivered a handwritten card along with a three-course meal featuring coq au vin, haricots verts, and a flourless chocolate torte — a stark contrast to the post-tragedy tradition of lukewarm Relief Society casseroles.
Despite their outward kindness, sources confirm that Adam and Eve have historically “tolerated” Adam and Steve’s lifestyle with a carefully veiled mixture of forced smiles and unsolicited scriptural references. “They’re always polite,” Steve admitted, “but there’s a certain look you get when someone says ‘Love the sinner’ and you’re holding hands with your husband.”
“Still,” Adam (the gay one) added, “we’re here for them. They raised Cain. Literally. And that’s gotta be tough.”
When pressed for comment, Eve simply shook her head and muttered something about how “two men couldn’t possibly raise a righteous seed,” while standing over a blood-stained altar where Abel once worshipped.
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Meanwhile, LDS theologians are scrambling to explain how the ideal nuclear family of the world’s first man and woman somehow managed to produce history’s first murderer — a wrinkle in the usual “gay parents cause social decay” narrative.
“We still firmly believe that children need both a mother and a father,” said Elder Elwood F. Pratt of the Eden Stake Presidency, “but obviously, in this isolated case, God was testing something. Maybe parenting wasn’t fully revealed yet. Or maybe Cain hung out with bad influences, like a an evil rock.”
In a private conversation overheard by the family goat, Adam was heard saying to Eve, “Maybe we should have taken up Steve’s offer for the village to raise the child.”
At press time, Adam and Steve had offered to help set up a memorial vigil for Abel, complete with organic candles, a harp solo, and a slide show, “Celebrating the Life of a Brother Who Deserved Better.” Adam and Eve declined, citing theological differences and an unresolved grudge about that time Steve brought wine to a potluck.
Despite everything, Steve insists they’ll continue to support their neighbors. “Forgiveness is divine,” he said, plating the torte with a raspberry reduction. “Besides, it feels fair, we never got the chance to break the news that there’s a whole civilization that exists over in the next valley.”
