SALT LAKE CITY, UT — In a bold reaffirmation of their financial priorities, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints confirmed this week that it had filed and lost a lawsuit against its longtime insurance providers National Union Insurance and ACE Property & Casualty Co., alleging a breach of contract for refusing to cover millions of dollars in sexual abuse settlements — funds the Church claims were never meant to come out of their pocket.
“Look, let’s be clear: sacred tithing money is for expanding the Lord’s investment empire on Earth, and occasional lawsuits against small towns,” said LDS member Glenn Marbury, volunteer litigator. “It is not, and we repeat not, for paying off lawsuits related to systemic abuse. That’s what we have insurance for — and also Jesus’s atonement.”
The Church, which has amassed an estimated $250 billion in investments, maintains that not a penny of that should be touched when the Lord’s been paying such high insurance premiums for “such occasions” (referring to preventable and ongoing sexual abuse). He can instead deploy teams of lawyers to make the insurance company look like the bad guy, which doubles as a PR win, for He is a God of Wisdom.
The lawsuits stem from the Church’s policy of diverting sex abuse complaints away from law enforcement by having Bishops call the church’s help line which walks Bishops through the steps of destroying evidence.
Church spokespeople insisted that using sacred donations to settle sexual abuse cases would violate the sanctity of the tithing process, a ritual where the church assaults the bank accounts of their members.
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“This is why we pay premiums,” said Marbury, waving a 400-page policy titled ‘Moral Liability Umbrella: Divine Edition.’ “We have a long-standing understanding with our insurer — we cover the sins, they cover the settlements.”
Internal Church memos leaked during the lawsuit reportedly reveal frustration among leadership that their “repentance-through-lawsuit” strategy hasn’t been met with more enthusiasm from the insurance industry. One memo, marked “Confidential — Apostle Eyes Only (and God’s),” noted: “If State Farm can cover a guy who crashes into his own mailbox, surely ACE Property & Casualty Co. can handle a few dozen bishops who ‘accidentally’ shuffled pedophiles between wards for 40 years.”
In a press release, the Church clarified its legal strategy: “We are not trying to avoid accountability. We are simply outsourcing it.”
Meanwhile, members of the faith have reportedly expressed confusion. “I always thought my tithing went toward humanitarian aid or building temples,” said local member Janice Ellsworth. “Now I’m realizing it went to lawyers arguing that the abuse insurance clause had a ‘true-church-based exemption.’ The court loss has me feeling less spiritually insured which I bet is a sign of the second coming.”
When asked how this aligns with gospel teachings, a church leader replied, “Let he who is without liability cast the first check into our new abuse settlement fund.”
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