SALT LAKE CITY, UT — In a quiet but chaotic scene at LDS Church Headquarters this morning, the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles delayed their weekly strategy meeting after realizing no adult was present to supervise.
“We were all here, dressed in matching suits but something just didn’t feel right,” said Elder Dallin H. Oaks, gently rocking in his leather swivel chair and aggressively coloring in a diagram of the Plan of Salvation. “Then we realized—there was no adult in the room. Just twelve old men who can’t function without the supervision and approval of a grown-up.”
Witnesses say the meeting devolved into murmuring, light tattling, and at least one apostle attempting to declare himself “biggest and strongest” before someone suggested calling Sister Wendy Nelson, wife of Church President Russell M. Nelson, who was rumored to be “the closest thing to a grown-up anyone could think of.”
“She told us we couldn’t start until we put away our replica Labon swords and stopped calling each other ‘stupid apostate’ under our breath,” confirmed Elder Bednar, who reportedly sulked for thirty minutes after being asked to apologize for gaslighting his Nana over a stolen cookie.
Sources say the delay was triggered when the group reached a sensitive agenda item: “Come up with some technical differences between a Rameumptom and a Temple Steeple.” After a focus group of members rejected the explanation, the only retort the Brethren could agree on was: “nuh-uh!”
“Look, we’re doing our best,” said Elder Jeffrey R. Holland while attempting to tape a hand-drawn dinosaur onto a picture of Noah’s Ark. “But every time someone asks a question about science, or women’s roles, or literally anything that happened after 1830, we get real uncomfortable and start telling stories about our missions again.”
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This is not the first time the Apostles have needed adult intervention. In 2023, a General Conference talk was delayed after Elder Rasband insisted the “big boys” were bullying him for not possessing all the cards for Nephi’s extended family, referring to the LDS off-brand-Pokemon card game.
“We are the Lord’s anointed,” said Elder Cook, eyes wide as he attempted to wedge a Book of Mormon into a Diagon Alley LEGO set. “But sometimes the Lord’s anointed need juice and a nap.”
When asked how they planned to move forward, the Apostles announced that President Nelson would “make everything better” once he finishes his afternoon of writing emails to church critics with “I know you are but what am I?” as the email subject.
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