SYRACUSE, UT — In a bold move that theologians and sarcastic bloggers alike are calling “a surrender of biblical proportions,” the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has unveiled its first temple with not one, but two baptismal fonts for the dead, signaling a strategic pivot toward the afterlife as its primary growth market.
The new Syracuse, Utah temple, which opened with much fanfare and zero irony, is the first to feature a dual-font setup—allowing for twice as many posthumous baptisms per hour, and approximately the same number of confused teenagers in white jumpsuits wondering how they got roped into this on a Tuesday night.
Church officials insist the upgrade is a spiritual boon. “We’re just meeting the demand,” said Brother Kent Delaney, regional temple operations coordinator and part-time funeral DJ. “With baptisms for the living hitting a bit of a plateau—okay, fine, a cliff—we realized our dead membership is where the real action is.”
According to internal reports accidentally left in an unlocked seminary room, the Church has been quietly shifting its conversion strategy to focus on “low-resistance prospects”—namely, people who died before ever hearing about Mormonism, or who are just too dead to protest.
“We’re getting record numbers,” said Sister Helen Park, a FamilySearch genealogist and enthusiastic spreadsheet user. “We baptized Shakespeare last week. Again. Just to be sure since he could be multiple people.”
Google SafeSearch Blurs LDS Temple Images After Realizing Steeples Are Just Giant Architectural Compensations
The Syracuse temple’s twin fonts are part of a broader church initiative dubbed ‘Operation Eternal Dunk’, which includes retrofitting dozens of existing temples, including the historic Salt Lake City temple, with second fonts, faster water heaters, and upgraded plumbing capable of handling “a higher throughput of souls.”
When asked why resources weren’t being directed toward living converts instead, such as increased missionary efforts or making Sunday services 40% less boring, church spokesman Elder Bryce Farnsworth shrugged. “Look, millennials don’t even answer the door anymore. But the dead? We’ve got names for days. Literally billions.”
Church youth have also responded positively to the change. “Honestly, I’d rather baptize a list of 800 medieval Scandinavians than talk to a single sweaty guy at the skate park,” said 16-year-old Mia Jensen. “At least the dead don’t ghost you. Technically, they are the ghosts, but I’m not in the mood for a religious argument.”
Local bishoprics have already begun gamifying temple participation, awarding youth with badges like “Dead Sea Drowner”, “(name of youth) the Baptist”, and “Aqualung” for high baptismal output.
Still, some critics worry the Church’s embrace of the undead may lead to unintended consequences. “What happens when we run out of people who weren’t baptized?” asked former Primary president and amateur eschatologist Linda McCabe. “We’re just gonna start double-dipping?”
Church officials assured members that repeat baptisms are not only acceptable but “kind of the point.”
“We’re not saying we’ve given up on the living,” Elder Farnsworth added. “We’re just… deprioritizing them until they die.”
Get our sacred insights hot off the press.
We'll never sell your information or ask for 10% of your income. Privacy Policy
