LEHI, UT — The religious-industrial complex has been rocked by an emerging global undergarment underground, a black market that is booming as mainstream Mormons and Mormon fundamentalists engage in an illicit celestial underwear exchange that spans continents, ideologies, and sleeve lengths.
With the LDS Church’s new “sleeveless” temple garments reportedly still unavailable in most U.S. distribution centers, American Saints desperate for salvation and shoulder ventilation have turned to a rising network of garment mules in Southeast Asia—particularly the Philippines, where the sleeveless variety was mysteriously approved months ago.
“I just Venmo my cousin in Manila and he ships them to me in an empty cereal box labeled ‘corn flakes,’” said Madison Blake, a 34-year-old Relief Society president in Gilbert, Arizona. “I don’t know why they’re called ‘garments of the holy priesthood’ when they’re harder to get than Taylor Swift tickets.”
Online resale marketplaces, including several Telegram threads dubbed “The Celestial Stitch,” now offer sleeveless garments at markups of up to 1000%, with sellers advertising options like “Pre-Named,” “Wrinkle-Free,” and “Whisper-Soft for Quiet Apostasy.”
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But while progressive Saints seek to ditch the sleeves, fundamentalist Mormons are enjoying new freedoms as well—snatching up standard-issue LDS garments via secret Facebook groups, strip mall meetups, and what one polygamist referred to as “Patriarchal Poshmark.”
To the FLDS and other offshoots of Mormonism, the LDS Church’s increasingly breathable garments are seen as borderline pornographic. “These are Victoria’s Secret to us,” said Brother Lyle Jessop, a 62-year-old with three wives and a devout collection of 1840s Times and Seasons magazines. “No cap sleeves? No divine protection. It’s just exposed deltoids and the whole point is to cover the woman to help the man stay pure.”
Jessop’s underground storehouse—located in a converted root cellar behind a compound in Short Creek—reportedly includes hundreds of “vintage” LDS garments from the 90s, laundered weekly and sorted by level of sanctity. “We like ours high-waisted, opaque, and gun-holstered if possible,” he added.
The LDS Church has yet to comment officially on the growing two-way garment black market, though a leaked memo from the Church Distribution Department reportedly warned Saints that “unauthorized garment trading may void warranty on spiritual blessings.”
Church members caught in the middle remain confused. “I just want to do yoga without sleeves but also not go to hell,” said one active member on Reddit. “Is that too much to ask?”
