In a hushed but palpably tense meeting this week, members of the LDS Church’s Quorum of the Twelve Apostles reportedly engaged in a heated yet impeccably polite battle over who will get to perform the temple ordinances for Pope Francis “when the Lord, in His infinite mercy, finally takes him home.”
The Pope was released from the hospital early Monday morning Vatican-time as he remains very much alive, spry, and Catholic; Church leadership believes it’s never too early to start assigning posthumous VIP baptisms. “We just want to be prepared,” said Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, who has personally performed proxy ordinances for three U.S. Presidents, two Beatles (including Paul McCartney who he believes died in a car crash in the 60s and was replaced by McCartney impersonator Billy Shears), and an alarming number of Civil War generals (all, curiously from just one of the sides). “If you don’t reserve these early, Elder Holland will swoop in with his ‘I knew a guy who once shook hands with a Vatican janitor’ card. Not again,” breathed Elder Bednar who didn’t think anyone could hear him, or perhaps, acted like he didn’t think anyone could hear him.
The debate allegedly began during an otherwise uneventful Tuesday temple meeting when President Holland casually remarked, “When the time comes, I think I should do Pope Francis. I mean, I am his favorite Mormon” To which Elder Uchtdorf responded with a smile that reportedly chilled the room: “Interesting. I would have thought someone with actual diplomatic experience might be more appropriate.”
Witnesses say the group quickly devolved into a silent but intense spiritual stare-down, punctuated only by gentle throat-clearing and passive-aggressive scripture citations.
“Look, nobody’s saying we enjoy doing temple work for famous non-members,” said Elder Quentin L. Cook, while polishing his “I baptized Gandhi” plaque. “But if someone has to usher the Holy Father into eternal exaltation, I think it should be someone who once flew first class over Rome. Which, by the way, I have.”
Church records show that the Brethren have historically reserved high-profile temple work like fantasy football picks. Mother Teresa was drafted by Elder Packer in 2003, much to Monson’s chagrin, who had “literally laminated her name on a Post-it” in the Celestial Room weeks earlier.
Salt Lake Tribune Considers Simplifying LDS Property Map By Identifying Few Properties Left That Church Doesn’t Own
The process of posthumous ordinances includes baptism for the dead, endowments, and celestial marriage, which presents new challenges for interfaith figures. “We haven’t decided who Pope Francis will be sealed to yet,” said a Church historian. “Possibly Joan of Arc? Or maybe the nun that would make him breakfast and empty his bed pan. It’s a very fluid process,” the church historian, father of 3, said.
Despite the current squabbling, most Brethren agree that the temple work must be done with reverence and humility—and also possibly filmed for a tasteful Church documentary, narrated by a soft British voice and accompanied by an original score from The Piano Guys.
When asked about the Pope himself, Vatican officials simply replied, “We are flattered, but respectfully decline any involvement in your theological fan fiction.”
Get our sacred insights hot off the press.
We'll never sell your information or ask for 10% of your income. Privacy Policy
