UNDISCLOSED AMERICAN LOCATION — In a recently unearthed gold plate, the Brother of Jared was reportedly “visibly perturbed” after learning that Noah, Nephi and their crews, were blessed with open-air ship designs while his own people were left to sail the turbulent deep in what historians now describe as “giant, glorified Tupperware.”
According to celestial sources close to the Throne, the ancient prophet—known for his faith and for bothering God until His hand physically appeared—was seen furrowing his brow in eternal paradise while reviewing maritime schematics from 1 Nephi 18.
So let me get this straight,” the Brother of Jared reportedly muttered, pointing at a diagram, “They get a proper deck, rigging, sails, and breathable air without requiring bioluminescent rocks?
At press time, the Jaredite leader was allegedly still trying to wrap his head around the fact that Nephi didn’t have to invent a rudimentary HVAC system powered by air pressure and prayer just to avoid suffocating mid-Pacific.
The Jaredites’ famed “barges,” described in the Book of Ether, featured a state-of-the-art ventilation strategy involving two holes, one in the top and one in the bottom, to be opened “as needed.” The same record makes no mention of stabilizers, decks, or anything to prevent your entire civilization from puking itself into extinction.
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By contrast, Nephi’s ship—built “not after the manner of men,” but suspiciously resembling a 3rd-century Phoenician vessel—was seaworthy, had space for dancing, and included rigging complex enough for the women to sing hymns without having to worry about barf catching in their hair.
Brother of Jared’s followers were reportedly tossed about “as if inside a whale in heat” for 344 days, while Nephi’s cruise across the Atlantic was mostly remembered for a brief dance party and one minor mutiny that ended with some light chastening.
“He gave Noah some windows, at least,” murmured Mahonri Moriancumer (the Brother’s real name, rarely used because it’s a mouthful), rubbing his temples. “Even with the global flood, he got a real ark. A zoo cruise. Meanwhile, my people are like the little letters in Boggle every time the barge tips sideways.”
He continued: “God said, ‘I prepare you against these things.’ I thought that meant, you know, sails. Maybe a rudder. Not ‘prepare to go full submarine with livestock.’”
When reached for comment, the Lord issued a brief statement:
My ways are not your ways. Also, you needed some barge-rattling to build some character.
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Angelic spokesperson Michael (formerly known as Adam) confirmed that the Jaredites were part of an “early-access beta test of aquatic salvation,” and that Nephi’s ship benefited from updates in the Celestial Maritime Firmware Patch 2.3.0.
Look, the glowing stones were very cool,” said Michael (formerly known as Adam), trying to spin things. “And don’t forget, He touched them personally. Some people (ahem J-dubs ahem) would be honored to live inside a god-lit barrel for almost a year.
When pressed, Michael declined to comment on rumors that the Lord’s design team outsourced Nephi’s ship to the same heavenly contractor that built Lehi’s tent, known for its unusual European dimensions.
In a quiet moment of reflection, Brother of Jared was reportedly seen drafting a sternly worded celestial email asking whether, during the Millennium, he might trade in his old barge for a modest sailboat “with, like, air circulation and maybe a poop deck, please.”
