PROVO, UT—In a bold move to embrace its rich pioneer heritage, Brigham Young University is reportedly changing their beloved mascot, replacing the cuddly and non-threatening Cosmo the Cougar with a more historically accurate depiction of the university’s past: a blood-soaked frontiersman standing triumphantly over a pile of indigenous corpses.
“Our pioneers were tough, determined, and, let’s be honest, really into manifest destiny,” said BYU Athletic Director Tom Holmoe. “For too long, we’ve tried to sanitize our history with a big, friendly cat that does backflips at halftime. But it’s time to acknowledge the real legacy of our forebears—clearing the West, one displaced indigenous tribe at a time.”
The proposed mascot, tentatively named “Ezra the Executioner,” would feature a bearded settler in buckskin wielding both a musket and a hastily written land deed. Instead of performing stunts, Ezra would engage in dramatic reenactments of forcibly converting indigenous peoples and turning desert wastelands into strip malls. The costume will reportedly be adorned with stains of “historical authenticity,” with university officials debating whether the red splatters should be cranberry juice or, in keeping with authenticity, the blood of those who stood in the way of the pioneers’ divine ambitions.
The university’s student body is divided on the change, with some praising the decision for its “commitment to historical transparency” and others concerned that the new mascot’s beard could confuse students. University officials reminded the public that Brigham Young had a beard and was genocidal, both historical aspects of their University’s namesake that students haven’t objected to yet.
Church PR professionals are worried about what people with a passing knowledge of 19th-century atrocities will think. “Look, I’m all for honoring our ancestors,” said sophomore Chad Wilkinson, “but I feel like we could do that by continuing to focus on the pioneer legacy of tasteless food and exaggerated tales of voluntary self-sacrifice.”
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Despite these concerns, some faculty members insist that the rebranding effort is long overdue. “Our church is all about truth and restoration,” said BYU history professor Greg Lyman. “And what could be truer than acknowledging that our founders weren’t just pious settlers—but to also celebrate that they were highly-successful real estate moguls with rifles?”
University officials are reportedly also considering additional ways to commemorate their pioneer heritage, including an annual “Trail of Tears 5K” where students watch the less-fortunate run a forced 5K, and chant the new official school chant based on Brigham Young’s famous words: “I want every Indian Out!”
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