SALT LAKE CITY — In an effort to both reaffirm the doctrine of the Atonement and keep BYU’s football program bowl-eligible, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has announced that it has officially excommunicated the ex-girlfriend of BYU quarterback Jake Retzlaff—”on his behalf.”
According to church officials, the disciplinary action was “symbolic of Christ’s infinite sacrifice—if mankind were a Division I quarterback with a promising arm and 4.4 speed.”
Retzlaff, who was recently accused of sexual assault in a civil lawsuit, maintains that the encounter was consensual. The church, choosing to thread the doctrinal needle with the subtlety of a camel, issued a press release Thursday clarifying its position: “We believe in justice, mercy, and making sure the starting QB doesn’t miss fall camp.”
“After prayerful consideration,” the statement continues, “we determined that Jake’s ex-girlfriend should carry the consequences of his alleged misconduct, as a living object lesson on substitutionary suffering. It’s a powerful metaphor for the Atonement—and more importantly, it allows Jake to focus on the upcoming season opener against Arizona.”
Sources close to the BYU Honor Code Office confirmed that Retzlaff will be suspended for “at least one and a half devotionals” and required to write a 500-word essay on Why Agency Is Important, Especially When You’re Hot and Talented.
LDS Man’s Side Effects From Ambien Explain Single Pair of Footprints in the Sand
Church Public Affairs also confirmed that the ex-girlfriend’s records have been scrubbed from the system. “We followed standard procedure,” said a spokesperson. “At first it was difficult to find Jane Doe in the database, but then we realized our mistake. Her church membership, temple blessings, and seminary attendance awards have all been finally reassigned to one of Jake’s deceased ancestors by proxy.”
President Oaks praised the disciplinary move as “a Christlike compromise between personal accountability and ESPN coverage.” He added, “Sometimes, in order to keep Zion strong, someone’s gotta go. And it’s not going to be the guy who just ran a 63-yard read-option for a touchdown.”
BYU Head Coach Kalani Sitake said he was “grateful for the Church’s inspired support,” adding, “We teach our players that repentance is real, but forgiveness is fastest when your completion rate is above 60%.”
