HEAVEN— Citing an uptick in posthumous ordinance fraud and “increased attempts at unauthorized exaltation,” The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced today that the Celestial Kingdom will now be protected by Two-Veil Authentication, an enhanced spiritual security measure designed to prevent unworthy spirits from sneaking past the pearly portals.
“For nearly 200 years, one veil was sufficient,” said Presiding Bishopric spokesperson Brother Lane Wirthlin during a press conference held in the Church Office Building’s less-visited “Privacy Policy” wing. “But with the rise of sloppy indexing, rogue genealogy hobbyists, and a worrying number of leaked temple ceremony videos, we felt the need to double up on precautions.”
New Endowment Highlights Include:
- Patrons must parrot the normal secret handshakes and passwords at the first veil.
- A confirmation, by text or email, will be sent as you approach the second veil.
- The second veil is monitored by an angel with a clipboard, a lanyard and nametag hanging around their necks, in case you have physical identification.
- Before being admitted to the Celestial Room, patrons will undergo a “worthiness CAPTCHA” in which they must identify which images include incorrect garments, disobedient children or unallowed potluck options.
Church sources confirmed the second veil was originally part of a shelved project called “Celestial Patriot Act,” but has been fast-tracked due to recent reports of “several unsavory ancestors, like Joseph Fielding Smith, just waltzing in.”
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Some eternal residents have praised the changes. “I’ve waited 85 years to be sealed to my family, and I don’t want some riffraff cousin who drank coffee once in 1973 showing up here and calling it good,” said Sister Florence B. Hinckley (no relation). “If you didn’t sit through the temple video with the puffy-faced Satan actor, you don’t belong here.”
Others, however, voiced concerns about accessibility. “What if I never get the second token via text or email?” asked Brother Greg Petersen of the Spirit World, who reports frequent veil-related anxiety dreams. “Do I get locked out? Is there a ‘Forgot Token’ link?”
Church officials assure members that “all the bugs have been worked out” but were unavailable for comment due to “unplanned quality assurance checks” on their new platform.
