SALT LAKE CITY—In a bold move to modernize financial parables, the Church Educational System (CES) is reportedly considering updating the Bible’s famous “Coin in the Fish’s Mouth” story to encourage Latter-day Saints to explore cryptocurrency investing, citing the faith’s long-standing comfort with historical anachronisms.
“If the Lord could place a Roman coin in a fish’s mouth to pay taxes, there’s no reason He couldn’t slip a couple of Bitcoin into a USB wallet lodged in a bass,” said CES spokesperson Elder Devin K. Forsythe. “The principles of divine financial intervention are timeless. Plus, anachronism was never really an issue for us.”
The proposal follows a trend of reinterpreting scripture for a tech-savvy generation. Internal memos suggest the story’s new version would feature the Apostle Peter pulling a cold storage wallet from a tilapia while a disapproving Roman IRS agent looks on, suspiciously inspecting the blockchain transaction history.
Related: Unfortold Bear Market Puts End To Crypto Offerings.
While the CES insists the update is merely a creative way to illustrate self-reliance and wise financial stewardship, critics note the faith’s long history of anachronisms. The Book of Mormon, often described as “the world’s first American historical novel set in pre-Columbian Mesoamerica, but with horses, steel, and French names,” has faced similar scrutiny for its liberal approach to time travel.
Among the Book of Mormon’s greatest hits in the anachronism department are:
- Horses and Chariots: The ultimate ancient Mesoamerican way to travel, despite no evidence that pre-Columbian societies had so much as a donkey.
- Steel Swords: Because what Mesoamerican civilization wouldn’t have figured out metallurgy without bothering to write it down or leave behind a single rusty machete?
- Cattle, Sheep, and Goats: Apparently the Nephites were running a full-service ancient Chuck-A-Rama without anyone in Central America noticing.
- Compass (Liahona): A divine GPS system centuries before compasses existed, featuring a patented faith-powered turn-by-turn navigation system.
- Windows That Don’t Break in Jaredite Submarines: Finally, some practical advice for anyone trying to build a nuclear fallout shelter out of acacia wood.
“We’re not saying Bitcoin was around in the ancient world,” Elder Forsythe clarified. “We’re just saying the Lord works in mysterious ways, and if that includes decentralized finance, who are we to question it?”
If the crypto-themed update proves successful, CES is rumored to be testing other modernization efforts, including a story where Nephi trades Laban’s sword as an NFT and a Jaredite voyage fueled entirely by Dogecoin.
“We’re just trying to speak the language of the rising generation,” Forsythe added. “And if that language happens to be a combination of speculative investing and ignoring red flags, well, there’s a precedent for that too.”
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