SALT LAKE CITY–During the 195th General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Church leaders admitted they were surprised to find that rank-and-file members continue to believe the Church cares what underwear they don.
“The original plan was to do away with them after the pioneers got to Utah,” said Joseph McKonkie Daybell Young, an underwear influencer for the church. “I mean, can you imagine wearing full-length woolen garments under your clothes in Utah (known at the time as “Jesus Jammies”) in August while chiseling granite for a temple? But members kept asking if they needed to still wear them, ‘pretty please’. Never leave a customer unsatisfied, as my great-great-great-great-grandfather’s fourth wife would say.”
The Church has debuted a helpful decision-tree to help struggling members know when they’re supposed to wear their garments, with most of the tree dedicated to navigating garment requirements for various sex acts.
“I don’t mind wearing garments,” said Sarah Day, a stay-at-home mother from Saratoga Springs, Utah. “I usually put on workout clothes in the morning, intending to put my garments on after I shower but then I have to pick up the kids and get them to soccer and make dinner and by then before you know it, it’s 8pm and I’m usually ready to jump on the treadmill.”
“It’s not that I don’t want to wear the garment,” said Lacey Stillwater, a BYU Pathways student who was interviewed in athleisure wear, “It’s just that I haven’t made it to the gym yet this morning…or since Tuesday.”
Other members find it hard to predict whether they may find micro-opportunities to forgo wearing garments. “If I’m taking my kids to a party that includes a backyard bouncy house, I don’t wear garments in the event that my kids may need help at some point inside the bouncy house.”
Most members, especially the women who are forbidden from holding the Priesthood and without whom the church still wouldn’t function, celebrated their loving church as it continues to make progress in the name of women’s bodily autonomy. “WE DID IT, SISTERS!” tweeted Brooke Foster from Spanish Fork. “Being able to show our upper-arms is going to make it WAY less awkward when the Bishop asks me twice a year what underwear I’m wearing. #Progress”
“It’s true,” said Elder J. Kimball Rasband, “that we are allowing some loopholes with the wearing of the garment, and loopholes were meant to be stitched shut. But if we didn’t pretend there was some room for individual member interpretation, our wards would cease to function without the sisters who hold multiple callings, raise their kids single-handedly, and keep their husbands from masturbating.”
Elder Clarence Tuttle of the 1st Quorum of the Seventy hinted that the Church would be debuting a thong-style garment bottom but was quickly hushed by Jeffrey R. Holland who said that was “his news to share” in the Lord’s time which at this point is looking like 2027.
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