SALT LAKE CITY — In what experts are calling either a flawed investment strategy or an act of unwavering faith in the Second Coming, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has purchased another 50,000 acres of Florida swampland, further solidifying its position as the state’s largest private landowner and the only real estate empire actively betting against both science and God’s own wrath at the same time.
The acquisition, which adds to the church’s already staggering 2% ownership of Florida’s entire land mass, is part of what insiders describe as a strategic doctrine known as “Zion, But Muggy.” The move has raised eyebrows among financial analysts, climate scientists, and even a few high-ranking angels who spoke on condition of anonymity.
“It’s really a bold play when you think about it,” said Dr. Emily Rutherford, a climate researcher at the University of Miami. “On one hand, they’re banking on God protecting His chosen landholdings from rising seas. On the other, they’ve invested billions in a state where the highest point is literally a landfill. Either they know something we don’t, or they’re trying to corner the market on underwater tithing settlements.”
Church leadership remains confident in the investment, citing both divine providence and a uniquely Mormon belief that if you buy enough land, the Second Coming will simply have to happen there eventually.
“We’re not worried about sea levels,” said Elder Clayton Horace, a spokesman for the church’s vast real estate arm. “If anything, we welcome the possibility of Florida transforming into the world’s largest baptismal font. Frankly, it’s easier to baptize the dead when they’re already pre-soaked.”
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Despite projections that much of Florida will be underwater within the next 60 to 80 years, the church is doubling down on its celestial gamble, reportedly considering rebranding the Orlando Temple as the Nephi Maritime Tabernacle and commissioning the construction of a fleet of aluminum pontoons to help push handcarts across the eventual Florida Straits.
Critics have questioned the wisdom of the purchases, but church officials maintain that Florida real estate will hold its value through the Millennium. When asked if the church had any contingency plans for the inevitable flooding, Elder Horace was quick to point out that Noah was, in fact, a prophet.
“Besides,” he added, “the Lord flooded the earth once and promised He wouldn’t do it again. He never said anything about gradually turning Miami into a giant Celestial Kingdom-themed lazy river.”
While skeptics see the acquisitions as a bizarre fusion of capitalism and climate denial, others view it as the ultimate test of faith.
“If they’re right, they’ll own half of Florida when Christ returns and ushers in a thousand years of peace,” said one observer. “If they’re wrong, well… you’ve got to admire the commitment to paying property taxes on Atlantis.”
At press time, the church had reportedly put in bids for several thousand additional acres of Florida panhandle coastline, describing the deal as a “win-win” — either as prime beachfront property in the Millennium or an eternal wetland mitigation credit system for the afterlife.
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