SALT LAKE CITY, UT — In a noble push for financial literacy, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints issued a warning this week to young adults and other monetarily afflicted saints, against turning to payday loan companies during hard times, reminding them that “more spiritually rewarding” sub-prime options are already available just down the hall in the bishop’s office.
“High-interest payday loans are predatory and dangerous,” said Elder Brent K. Richins of the Presiding Bishopric. “Instead, we encourage struggling members to first pay a full tithe, wait for a financial miracle, and if that doesn’t work, humbly approach your bishop to discuss one of our inspired, bishop-approved financial assistance plans — now featuring flexible shame repayment schedules!”
Church members are taught from a young age that paying 10% of their income to the Church will unleash “the windows of heaven,” but if those windows stay mysteriously jammed shut, the bishop’s office becomes a last-resort financial triage center — equal parts welfare administrator, ecclesiastical judge, and sometimes a loan officer on the side.
Sources confirmed that after paying tithing on his DoorDash earnings, 19-year-old Jacob Langley found himself short on rent and visited his local bishop, who lovingly offered to cover his remaining balance using fast offering funds — but only after an hour-long interview probing for the exact number of streaming TV services he pays for and whether he had been “emotionally honest” with his Venmo descriptions.
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“I thought it was a church,” said Langley, “but it was more like applying for a microloan.”
However, bishops are only authorized to dispense financial blessings to those who can demonstrate “temporal worthiness” — which generally includes strict observance of the Word of Wisdom, regular attendance at awkward church activities (even if it requires taking time off work), and a comprehensive understanding of what a ‘modest’ swimsuit looks like.
In cases where fast offerings are deemed “not spiritually prudent,” bishops have been known to discreetly refer members to “wealthier, inspired ward members” for alternate funding options.
“It’s a blessing to help my fellow saints,” said Brother Trevor McAllister, a local dentist and Elders Quorum President who has pioneered a successful “tithing-backed lending ministry” in his Arizona stake. “My terms are simple: 11% interest, one testimony-bearing Fast Sunday per quarter, and a firm promise not to criticize General Conference talks on social media.”
In recent months, seminaries have even rolled out new budgeting curriculum titled “Tithing First, Rent Later: Trusting the Lord in This Economy”, featuring real-world case studies like “Sister Maren’s Car Broke Down, But Then a Miracle Tow Truck Driver Was Also LDS.”
The Church insists that its approach to financial hardship is superior to the world’s predatory lending practices, stating, “Why pay 400% APR when you can instead pay 10% of your income forever — and feel amazing about it?”
Still, not all members are convinced.
“I missed a car payment and asked my bishop for help,” said 27-year-old convert Eli Jones. “He said if I’d paid my tithing, maybe my catalytic converter wouldn’t have been stolen. Then he handed me a printed copy of President Hinckley’s ‘Pay Your Tithing Even If You’re Drowning In Debt’ Ensign article and asked me to ponder it prayerfully.”
