In a bold new effort to understand why anyone would voluntarily part ways with the one true fold, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has unveiled a mandatory “Disaffiliation Reasons Questionnaire,” helpfully limiting all possible motivations to Drugs, Sex, or Premeditated Homicide.
“When someone rejects eternal salvation, the only logical conclusion is that they’re itching to break the law in spectacular fashion,” explained Elder Bryce Farnsworth, Director of the Strengthening the Sins Committee. “We’re just trying to nail down which felony they’re most excited about.”
The single-page survey, printed on thick cardstock “to discourage sinful paper airplanes,” opens with a cheerful greeting: “Congratulations on thinking Telestial! Please select your favorite wicked pastime so we can pray accordingly.” Respondents then check one of three boxes:
- Illicit Drugs – “I can’t wait to huff every substance from coffee to crystal meth because the Spirit no longer tells my nostrils what’s right.”
- Carnal Relations – “I intend to fornicate with reckless abandon, presumably in a dimly lit rave full of never-mos probably named Wyatt.”
- First-Degree Murder – “Now that God’s not watching, I figure I’ll start picking pedestrians off with my car everyday on my way to work.”
A helpful footnote clarifies that “compassion for marginalized groups, academic curiosity, or tithed into bankruptcy” are not currently recognized choices and may be revisited “when pigs fly or BYU allows beards.”
Data the Lord Can Trust
Church statisticians say the initiative will give leaders “actionable insights” into post-Latter-day living. Early results, which are mostly faithful members in IT testing the platform, indicate a shocking 47 percent of defectors choose “Sex,” 46 percent go with “Drugs,” and the remaining 7 percent pick “Murder,” often adding the handwritten note, “But not on Sunday—Sabbath still matters.”
Quotes From the Field
Former Relief Society president-turned-derelict-apparently, Marissa Lund, says she struggled to pick a box. “I left because I couldn’t handle a church led by self-proclaimed prophets who think women are just decorative,” she said. “But there wasn’t a bubble for ‘I read a history book.’ So I marked ‘Murder’—felt more honest.”
Meanwhile, stake president Gordon Brainwright is reassured. “This proves everything we’ve always suspected,” he declared while rearranging color-coded morality charts. “Without divine micromanagement, humans revert to Breaking Bad meets Tinder meets Dateline—and sometimes all three in one frenzied Saturday night, let me tell ya!”
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A Leash of Love
Though critics call the survey “hilariously on-brand, yet disturbingly revealing,” church officials disagree. “Look, morality comes exclusively from covenants, correlated manuals, and, occasionally, a wholesome game of pickleball,” Farnsworth emphasized. “If anyone figures out right and wrong without us, that’s basically priestcraft.”
Respondents who fail to return the form within 14 days automatically forfeit post-mortem family sealing and receive a complimentary “Welcome to Debauchery!” starter kit containing a pre-mixed Red Bull Vodka, a PBS DVD, and a coupon for 10% off satanic tattoos.
Looking Ahead
The church is already piloting Phase Two: a Re-Baptism Petition requiring lapsed members to prove they have not, in fact, built a meth lab, hosted an interfaith orgy, or been the subject of a true-crime Netflix doc (unless you are Jodi Hildebrandt or Ruby Franke, that’s fine). “We want to be merciful,” Witt clarified. “But let’s be reasonable—somebody has to keep society from turning into Grand Theft Auto: Salt Lake Edition.”
Until then, leaders remain confident the survey will achieve its sacred purpose: validating every preconceived notion they already had. “We’re finally quantifying depravity,” Farnsworth beamed. “And that’s the kind of data Heaven can spreadsheet.”
