In an audit of the celestial registry, LDS Church officials announced Monday that temple ordinances performed in temples without tall steeples may be “non-binding in the eternities” and could require a “do-over, just to be safe.”
The announcement comes after an intense legal battle in Fairview, Texas, where the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has threatened to sue the town for the right to construct a 176-foot steeple in a neighborhood zoned for buildings no higher than 35 feet. While local officials argue that zoning laws apply equally to all buildings, church leaders say their spiritual signal “needs that extra verticality.”
“Let’s be clear: this isn’t about pride or architectural one-upmanship,” said Elder Bryce T. Halbrook, head of the Church’s Rameumptom Department. “It’s about reaching heaven—literally. Ordinances just ascend better with a good spire on top. Otherwise, they kinda bounce off the firmament. I’m kind of surprised I have to explain this to you.”
According to internal memos obtained by LDSnews.org, temples in cities like Paris or Singapore, where local governments have successfully stopped the erection of Utah-style mega-steeples, have reported a mysterious increase in ordinance ‘fade.’ “We had one endowment ceremony that landed three degrees off course from the Kolob system and got intercepted by some Thetans,” Halbrook confirmed, referring to the neighboring Scientologist galaxy.
Sources close to the matter say that this development has thrown the eternal status of thousands of Latter-day Saints into question, particularly those who were sealed in what the Church delicately refers to as “McTemples.” Church spokesperson Sister Janine Poulson reassured the faithful, however, that there is no need to panic—unless their ordinance was performed in a temple with “a suspiciously modest profile.”
“If your sealing was done in, say, the Hong Kong or maybe Tokyo temple,” Poulson explained while subtly shuffling a stack of celestial annulment forms, “you might want to keep the receipt.”
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Church engineers have reportedly been exploring alternative ways to maintain ordinance integrity in steeple-impaired regions, including inflatable steeples, holographic projections, and attaching ordinances to helium balloons or homing pigeons.
But many observers see the Fairview lawsuit as emblematic of a broader church trend: demanding Christlike humility through increasingly aggressive legal action.
“What would Jesus do? Sue the city council, obviously,” said local resident and lifelong member Dale Jensen. “You don’t get to celestial glory by playing in the minor leagues. The Savior didn’t spend his life preaching outside in nature, he built a kingdom. With towers.”
When asked whether the Savior would really insist on a 176-foot celestial chimney in the middle of a suburban Texas neighborhood, Elder Halbrook paused, then replied, “Jesus was a carpenter. So yes. Probably with flying buttresses.”
As the legal battle rages on, Church officials urge members to continue attending temple sessions as usual, but suggest avoiding any long-term covenanting until their building reaches the appropriate altitude.
