SALT LAKE CITY, UT — In a surprise press conference held at an undisclosed location, officials from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints issued a grave celestial cybersecurity warning: revealing your temple “new name” will result in eternal doxxing in the afterlife.
“Brothers and sisters, the veil is thin, but so is the privacy policy in the Celestial Kingdom,” said Elder Kenton J. Farnsberry of the Quorum of the Seventy, nervously clutching a laminated chart labeled ‘Plan of Salvation Flowchart v3.81.0.116’ “If you go around casually dropping your new name like it’s your celebrity nickname, don’t be surprised when everyone in heaven knows your browsing history since the pre-existence.”
The announcement came after reports surfaced that unwitting members on X (formerly and quite frankly still Twitter) began sharing their endowment dates publicly online, allowing anyone with an internet connection to easily find the online schedule of names for the newly born endowment babies.
One anonymous source (known only as Heber for eternity, now unfortunately not anonymous) reportedly said, “I thought it was fine to tell my wife. Then suddenly, my Earth name and a detailed list of embarrassing bathroom-related accidents from my life were posted on a celestial revenge site. Kolob’s algorithm is brutal.”
Celestial Kingdom tech support, also known as “Cloud Security,” clarified that your temple name is essentially a divine pin, which doubles as your 2FA key and also is required to reset your password. Leaking it is the eternal equivalent of writing your social security number on a sticky note and putting it on a Chase Bank for people to take out credit cards in your name.
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“If you give out your new name,” explained Sister Linda B. McKinnon, head of Post-Mortal Data Compliance, “you forfeit your right to premium spirit world features, including custom robe colors, enhanced celestial matchmaking (men only), and the ability to mute your own posterity.”
When asked whether people should be allowed to reset their new name in case of a leak, Elder Farnsberry scoffed. “What is this, Protestant heaven? No. There are no name changes post-temple. This isn’t a Google account. You get one shot, and if you mess it up, you’re going to be called ‘Enoch492’ forever.”
Some progressive Saints have already started using encrypted new name alternatives, including names like “Jared underscore 1830” or “MahonriMoroni69420” in ward Zoom calls. Church authorities have condemned these pseudonyms as “apostate adjacent” and “moderately funny, but not for eternity.”
Heavenly Father could not be reached for comment, but sources close to the First Presidency say that’s a problem they’ve been dealing with since the beginning.
