SALT LAKE CITY, UT — In a recent statement, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has reaffirmed its stance on financial transparency, reassuring members that “no one truly knows the exact amount of wealth Heavenly Father needs—not the angels in heaven, or the Son, or even the Church’s portfolio managers.”
The official declaration, which is slated to be read from the pulpit at this weekend’s General Conference, comes amidst renewed scrutiny of the church’s vast financial holdings, which include over a hundred billion dollars in stock portfolios, the largest real estate portfolio in America, and a suspiciously well-funded rainy day vault in case Jesus returns empty-handed (like last time).
“In the scriptures, Christ himself said that no man knows the day or hour of His return,” explained Elder Franklin B. Monson of the Quorum of the Seventy. “And if the Son of God doesn’t know His own schedule, how could He possibly be expected to calculate the appropriate amount of capital gains tax our stock portfolio should be avoiding? These are sacred mysteries that require the help of a tax professional.”
A Sacred Financial Principle
Church leaders stressed that building up reserves of earthly treasure is a vital part of ensuring a celestial future. “Some people ask, ‘Why does the Church need so much wealth?’ to which we answer, ‘Have you seen the projected losses we’re expecting during the apocalypse?’” Elder Monson continued. “If Jesus were to return tomorrow, do you think He’d want a modest temple, or would He want a 176-foot steeple with a high-yield, mixed-use commercial development next door and a solid quarterly dividend? Do you really think we’re building temples because of demand for more temple ordinances?!” he said with a dismissive laugh.
LDS Man Says He “No Longer Feels Peculiar”
The LDS financial strategy, often likened to the biblical parable of the talents, has been reinterpreted as “investing with interest so that the Lord might outperform the S&P 500.”
“Some critics say we should be using this money to help the poor,” Elder Monson noted. “But we must ask: What’s the bigger picture here? Feeding a hungry family today, or ensuring we have enough investment capital in case Jesus wants to take a swim in a gold coin pool Scrooge McDuck style? Remember we’re CHRISTIAN,” he said, ending in passive-aggressive all-caps.
The Gospel of Compound Interest
Church financial advisors clarified that the true scope of Christ’s eventual real estate needs is still unknown, which is why they’ve continued acquiring properties at a rate that would make BlackRock blush to a bright PinkRock.
“We are actively preparing a portfolio that the Lord Himself would be proud of,” said church finance director Brother Dale Wadsworth. “We figure that since there is scriptural proof of mansions in heaven, we’d better prove that we can build mansions on Earth.”
When asked whether Jesus might prefer more direct investments in humanitarian efforts, Wadsworth nodded solemnly. “Of course, and we’re happy to provide aid, but they don’t need our help. Remember: the meek shall inherit the earth—eventually. For now, we’re just holding onto it for them as a for-profit subsidiary of one of our shell companies. It’s called STEWARDSHIP.”
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