SALT LAKE CITY, UT — In a bold move to preserve “doctrinal clarity” in a world increasingly threatened by symbolism, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has issued a new directive requiring all Sunday School teachers to immediately say “No Homo” after reading the part in Genesis where God sends a rainbow as a sign of His covenant with mankind.
The policy, outlined in a confidential memo sent to bishops across North America, advises teachers to “reassure young minds that although the rainbow is now commonly associated with the homosexual agenda, the Lord’s rainbow was completely straight and should in no way be interpreted as an endorsement of rainbow-colored behavior, identities, parades, or brunch.”
“Our youth need to understand that when we say God put a rainbow in the sky, we mean it in the Old Testament way,” said Brother Kent Dobson, the Church’s newly appointed Symbol Interpreter. “It was a totally heterosexual rainbow. Probably had camouflage in it. Or sepia tones.”
Primary teachers have already begun incorporating the disclaimer into lessons. Sister Marla Jensen, who teaches CTR 7, noted the smooth transition: “We just tell the kids, ‘And then the Lord placed a rainbow in the sky as a promise to never flood the earth again… No homo.’ The kids don’t even blink. They’ve already been taught that ‘gay’ means sex and not, like, human beings with feelings or immaculately-conceived apartments.”
Church officials say the new policy is not a reaction to Pride Month, but rather a “preemptive strike” against what they call The Prodigal Rainbow, a growing fear among conservative members that any mention of colors arranged in a pleasing arc could cause doctrinal drift or spontaneous same-sex attraction.
The new guidelines include a chart of “safe” post-rainbow statements that teachers can use to steer conversations back to heterosexual orthodoxy, such as:
- “But remember, Noah had at least one wife, probably more!”
- “All animals on board were in male-female pairs checked thoroughly for hetero-normative behavior before admittance.”
- “Let’s bear testimony that Adam and Steve would NOT be allowed on the boat, even if they were parents of kids that didn’t murder each other.”
LDS artists have also been instructed to “desaturate” scriptural rainbows in visual aids to prevent confusion. A new line of Church-approved Primary materials shows Noah’s ark parked under what appears to be a beige mist, or in one case, just a grayscale “cloud arc of righteousness.”
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Many members welcomed the policy. “The last thing I want is my son thinking that rainbows are okay just because they’re in the Bible,” said Brother Todd Simms, father of five and owner of an “Oversized American Flags” store. “We teach our kids that the only time a man should love another man is when they’re team wins, and even then, only heavy petting allowed.”
However, some younger members are confused by the disclaimer. “I thought the rainbow was a symbol of hope and inclusivity,” said 14-year-old Mia Clark, before being ushered into a special Youth Fireside entitled When Symbols Go Gay: How to Spot and Neutralize Them.
Meanwhile, Church leadership is reportedly developing additional disclaimers for other parts of scripture now deemed at risk of rainbowfication. A working draft suggests adding “No Drag” after Joseph’s coat of many colors and “Not a Top OR a Bottom” next to references of Peter being the rock of the Church.
At press time, the Church clarified that although they do not support the rainbow as a modern pride symbol, they are “totally fine” with polygamy making a comeback in the next life, “because controlling who people marry is totally the opposite of being gay.”
