SALT LAKE CITY, UT — In a groundbreaking policy shift revealed during a semi-annual Brand Integrity Fireside, leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced that sinning is, in fact, “totally fine,” as long as it is done discreetly and off-platform.
“Let us be clear,” said Elder Bryce Fairchild, Managing Director of Image Management and Eternal Affairs. “We’ve reviewed the doctrine, we’ve prayed, we’ve run the numbers — and sinning is officially okay now. Just, please, keep it out of the public eye. It’s really more of a branding thing at this point.”
For any sins that do leak into public view, penance and humiliation must be carried out in public with equal measure, which is a small price to pay in the eternal (pyramid) scheme of things.
According to internal documentation titled “Moral Failings & Market Positioning”, the Church determined that the greatest spiritual threat to the modern flock isn’t sin itself, but the perception of sin among active members—especially when it spreads via podcasts, Reddit, or exmormon satire blogs with a decent WordPress theme.
“The optics of someone drinking coffee and still being fulfilled spiritually? Catastrophic,” Elder Fairchild added. “People start asking, ‘Wait, do I even need a bishop?’ And then boom — tithing engagement drops.”
Quiet Sinners = Strong Brand
The Church’s new policy outlines a clear distinction between private sins, which are considered “totally manageable,” and public sins, which require immediate corrective action due to potential PR disruption of the “eternal lifestyle image,” in local wards and sometimes publicly online.
“If you’re going to break the Law of Chastity, just don’t leave a digital trail of sexts,” advised Sister Whitney Jorgensen, Director of Holiness Messaging Strategy. “Ideally, sin during off-hours. We recommend weeknights, with location services turned off.”
Church Defines New Tiered Sin System
In a follow-up email sent to bishops worldwide, the Church introduced a new Visibility-Based Worthiness Matrix, categorizing sins by how “on-brand” or “off-brand” they are depending on whether or not they’re public:
| Sin | If Kept Private | If Goes Public |
|---|---|---|
| Drinking Iced Coffee | Mildly Fine | Social Media Crisis |
| Doubting Book of Abraham | Contained | Disfellowshipment Event |
| Premarital Hand Stuff | Private meeting with strangely-interested Bishop | Stake Disciplinary Hearing |
| Solo Hand Stuff | Private meeting with just entire bishopric | Stake-wide emergency zoom meeting |
| Asking Why Women Don’t Hold Priesthood | Member may reflect on this, but not too much. | Angry Excommunication |
“Look, Jesus hung out with sinners,” said Elder Fairchild. “But he didn’t have to worry about them posting thirst traps with their newly-exposed upper-arms. We do.”
The Church is reportedly exploring a complete rebrand of the repentance process, drawing attention from the unpopular guilt-based model to what internal consultants have rebranded: “Reputation Hygiene System.” The idea is to allow members to sin, feel spiritually indebted to the church, and still post lifestyle content that aligns with the Church’s marketing goals.
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“There’s no need to be perfect,” said Elder Brantley, a spokesperson for the Brethren’s new Lifestyle Consistency Department. “We just need everyone to look perfect. That’s what Jesus would want — if He were managing a multi-generational donor base.”
The Church has recently begun beta testing a new member portal where users can submit sins they plan to commit and receive instant feedback on whether they are eligible for online repentance or require immediate account flag or suspension for PR reasons.
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