SALT LAKE CITY, UT — In a revelatory administrative overhaul, leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced today that several chapters of the Rules and Covenants—a lesser-known but increasingly useful companion to the Doctrine and Covenants—have been rewritten to codify the Church’s divine right to never, under any circumstance, pay taxes.
Standing at a podium flanked by gold-plated spreadsheets and a life-size statue of the real founder Adam Smith, Presiding Bishop Gérald Caussé declared, “The Lord works in mysterious ways—mostly through a web of shell companies and LLCs.”
The updated scripture, Rules and Covenants: Celestial Tax Optimization Edition, includes revelatory additions such as:
- Section 147: “Thou shalt form a Delaware holding corporation, for it is exceeding pleasing unto the Lord and shieldeth thine assets from the Gentiles.”
- Section 149: “Ye are a peculiar people, exempt from SEC audits, Sarbanes-Oxley, and worldly disclosure requirements.”
- Section 150: “Let not thy left hand know what thy right hand is laundering.”
The new texts also formally canonize Ensign Peak Advisors—long the Church’s shadowy investment arm—as the “Sacred Treasury of Ephraim,” a holy steward responsible for diversifying the faith’s eternal portfolio into blue-chip stocks, real estate, and low-risk hedge funds managed entirely by an army of LDS Business School “MBAs.”
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While many religious organizations seek to maintain nonprofit status in an agreement to do humanitarian work partially on the taxpayer’s dime, Church officials explained that this divine restructuring goes much further: “We’re not just avoiding taxes,” said Elder Jeffrey R. Holland during a closed-door investor fireside, “we’re being such good stewards over our taxes that even the American taxpayer is indirectly paying a full tithe, and I’m sure the Lord will open up his heaven windows for them too.”
In practice, this has led to sweeping doctrinal updates, including:
- A new temple recommend question: “Do you solemnly affirm to never disclose ecclesiastical financials to Babylon, yea, not even under subpoena?”
- Missionaries will now carry laminated cards reading, “Ask me about eternal salvation, and/or Nevada-based shell corporations.”
- The sealing ceremony now includes a clause allowing couples to merge family trusts in perpetuity.
Reaction among members has been mixed.
“I always believed the Church was true,” said Sister Marla Jensen of Bountiful, UT. “But now that I know it also owns over a million acres of ranchland via a dozen tax-shielded entities, I know it’s true and efficient.”
Others were less convinced.
“I went to tithing settlement and accidentally triggered a nondisclosure agreement,” said local member Kevin Baxter. “All I wanted was a receipt.”
The changes follow mounting scrutiny over the Church’s $250 billion investment fund, which leaders insist is “being saved for the Second Coming, or a golden exit if Jesus takes too long.”
At press time, the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles was reportedly reviewing a revelation that came from a ministering angel KPMG accountant who appeared in a pillar of Excel macros.
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