SALT LAKE CITY, UT — The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has officially released SEO specialist Elder Brandon B. Rankin after discovering he failed to renew the domain LDSnews.org, inadvertently handing over the sacred keys of search engine relevance to apostate satirists with a God-given knack for WordPress themes.
“I honestly thought it was just one of those old auxiliary domains we weren’t using anymore — like WeWereJustStewarding.org or NoSeparation.church.gov,” said Rankin in his final testimony, delivered via LinkedIn post. “Nobody told me it was the one thing standing between the Church and the unfiltered opinions of ordinary people.”
They told him.
The domain, once used for press releases that somehow say nothing with over 1,000 words, featured quotes from apostles that could be mistaken as angry rants by elderly casino patrons, and long lists of rules for how to stack cultural hall chairs, has now transformed into a parody site with dangerously accurate fonts.
Sources close to the Church’s PR department report the discovery was made when President Nelson’s grand-niece Googled “LDS news” and landed on an article that made her question her faith in https:// protocol.
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“The optics aren’t great,” said Elder Devon M. Worthington, Managing Director of Digital Sanctity. “We spend millions on SEO, keyword audits, and influencer fees so that when someone googles ‘Joseph Smith + treasure hunting,’ they get a nice article about the spiritual treasures found in the Book of Mormon.” Joseph Smith thought he had found the treasures in the Book of Mormon when he tried to sell the copyrights to the holy manuscript for $8,000. Nobody was interested in purchasing the copyright since the phrase “And it came to pass” written a thousand times is not trademark-able.
Rankin, who has now joined the ranks of other unemployable mormon SEO geniuses offered to reacquire the domain by trading three unused food storage kits no older than 36 months of age and a gently highlighted copy of Miracle of Forgiveness with a doodle of Big Foot on the inner cover. The new administrators of LDSnews.org declined, stating that keeping the blog updated is not that much work since “the stuff practically writes itself.”
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