In a move to preserve the “spiritual purity” of the Celestial Kingdom, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced sweeping reforms to tighten the commandments and slow what officials are calling “an alarming influx of unvetted souls.”
“Frankly, we’ve had too many borderline-worthies slipping through the veil,” said Elder Dallin H. Oaks, now self-appointed Chair of Celestial Homeland Security. “The Kingdom of God is not a charity. It’s a gated celestial community for those who have worked hard, paid tithing, and strictly adhered to a list of evolving rules that we retroactively insist were always doctrinal.”
Among the new regulations:
- No visible tattoos, piercings, or yoga practices that involve “suspicious Eastern breathing.”
- LGBTQ+ behavior, identity, thoughts, fashion sense, lawn flags or adjacent TikToks now considered a “Level 3 Eternal Threat.”
- Questioning church history results in immediate forfeiture of your own personal history.
- All spirits must score at least 85% on the entrance exam, which is currently only available in King James English.
The updated system, dubbed “The Immigration Meritocracy Initiative,” ensures that only culturally-aligned, theologically-deferential, middle-class-and-above Americans from suburban neighborhoods, that, let’s be honest, are either white or “act white,” can hope to reach the top kingdom. Church officials insist this is not discriminatory—just “how free agency works.”
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“We are simply protecting the eternal values of heaven from spiritual freeloaders and doctrinal immigrants who don’t assimilate,” explained Elder Bednar. “We can’t have the Celestial Kingdom turning into some progressive afterlife filled with nuance, empathy, and people who read books.”
When asked how this aligns with Christ’s teachings about loving sinners and welcoming the downtrodden, church PR released a statement clarifying, “Christ’s teachings have nothing to do with border security. This is about the law.”
Despite public outcry, the Church maintains the measures are necessary. “The straight and narrow path was becoming too wide and inclusive,” said one spokesperson. “We’re not the Terrestrial Kingdom. We have standards.”
A leaked angelic memo also revealed plans to install a Second Veil at the pearly gates, staffed by temple recommend interviewers trained in celestial risk management. Those without a firm testimony of the Handbook, or who once liked a post by John Dehlin, will be gently redirected to Spirit Prison where they must take a number (assuming they get their confirmation text or email) and wait for an interpreter who will then help them schedule a time to wait in a line that may eventually entitle them to a lottery for a few limited court dates next year.
