In a move that’s sending shockwaves through the sacramental supply chain, a ward in Colorado has declared a new era of worship—one where only the most expensive and “righteously branded” offerings will do. Gone are the days of humble water and store-brand bread; this week, congregants celebrated the sacrament with none other than Liquid Death and Dave’s Killer Bread, citing their names as a divine reflection of Christ’s ultimate sacrifice.
“We believe that if a brand is literally talking about killing—be it thirst or hunger—it’s aligning perfectly with how we feel about Christ’s sacrifice,” explained Bishop Brigham McAllister. “Liquid Death isn’t just water; it’s a veritable martyr to your dehydration. And Dave’s Killer Bread? Well, if it costs an arm and a leg, that’s nothing compared to crucifixion. And, it’s obviously heaven-sent and far superior to the bargain-basement options our neighboring wards are slathering on their altars.”
Endowment Session Was Always Meant To End With Knock-Knock Joke.
According to fervent parishioners, the hefty price tag isn’t merely a quirk of modern capitalism—it’s a badge of honor. “Expensive sacrament items mean we’re not just following tradition; we’re elevating it,” enthused Sister Clementine, cradling her chilled can of Liquid Death as if it were a sacred relic. “If it’s pricier than what our neighbors are using, it must mean we’re holier, more chosen. Who wouldn’t want to take Christ’s sacrifice literally to heart?”
The ward’s decision is being hailed as a bold proclamation of spiritual exclusivity. With each ceremonious pop of a Liquid Death can and every ceremonially sliced piece of Dave’s Killer Bread, the Rocky Ridge Ward sends a clear message: when it comes to matters of the spirit, only the premium will suffice. “We’re not just having a sacrament—we’re staging a sacramental revolution,” McAllister declared. “Our choices scream divine approval while whispering to our neighbors that, clearly, they’re missing the point.”
Local theologians, meanwhile, are struggling to parse the symbolism behind the splurge. “It’s as if the price itself is a sacrament, validating our faith through the sheer heft of our wallets,” mused Professor Celeste McFadden of the Institute for Sacramental Studies. “When the labels proclaim ‘Killer’ and ‘Death,’ it resonates on a level that’s both metaphorically and monetarily significant.”
Not to be outdone, execs at both Liquid Death and Dave’s Killer Bread have reportedly expressed their support for this unconventional partnership. A spokesperson for Liquid Death hinted at a “divinely inspired collaboration,” while Dave’s Killer Bread is already toying with the idea of a limited-edition “Heavenly Slice” series which is even more airy and contains even less bread than their standard faire.
As the Colorado Ward continues its quest to outshine neighboring congregations with its taste for the finer—and deadlier—and ressurrectier, things in life, one thing remains clear: when it comes to sacraments in the modern age, expensive really is holy.
Get our sacred insights hot off the press.
We'll never sell your information or ask for 10% of your income. Privacy Policy
