Church leaders eagerly prepare to pack 10 hours of meetings full of detailed strategies that may one day help you deserve God’s eternal love, offered freely with no strings attached. (Must be hetero-cisgendered for offer to apply)
SALT LAKE CITY—As millions of faithful members prepare to gather around their televisions, church buildings, and the LDS Conference Center this weekend, leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are putting the finishing touches on their semi-annual addresses, carefully designed to remind members that while God loves them unconditionally, He does have a few thousand tiny, incredibly specific conditions if they ever want to behold His glorified face ever again.
“Our Heavenly Father’s love is infinite and free,” said Elder Gerald B. Ponderen of the Quorum of the Seventy. “But to truly feel that love, members must commit to a life of strict obedience, pay a full tithe before even thinking about rent, and, of course, never even think about touching themselves below the belt—unless it’s to increase the modesty of their outfit.”
The biannual General Conference, a time for Latter-day Saints to receive spiritual guidance, will once again include inspirational talks on essential gospel topics such as the dangers of exposed shoulders, why missing a single Sunday of church attendance could lead to eternal separation from loved ones, and the importance, for men only, of choosing a wholesome, family-friendly career path—preferably one that doesn’t involve having opinions on science or morality.
One of the most anticipated speakers, President Russell M. Nelson, is expected to deliver a stirring message emphasizing the need for absolute obedience in order to “truly bask in God’s unquestioning approval.” Insiders report that his remarks will include a poignant analogy comparing salvation to a loving parent who tells their child they may come inside anytime—right after they’ve perfectly mowed the lawn, raked the leaves, and moved some dirt around unnecessarily in order to ‘appreciate hard work.’
“I think it’s so beautiful that we have a prophet to help us navigate these complex spiritual matters,” said local member Lisa Kirkham, who has already taught her children that one skipped prayer could snowball into a lifetime of regret. “It still feels like a game of whack-a-mole, with something standing in my way of feeling peace every few minutes, but as long as I put my shoulder to the wheel and don’t pierce my ears in any of the ‘wrong’ places, I bet someday I’ll be worthy.”
As with each conference season, the most important condition of God’s unrestricted love is expected to again be the commandment of paying tithing. Faithful members will have yet another opportunity to prove their faithfulness by giving 10% of their income—before covering rent, food, or medical expenses—to an all-powerful deity whose true measure of devotion appears to be an unbroken record of financial transactions and unclaimed loyalty rewards.
As the weekend approaches, members worldwide are eagerly anticipating feeling God’s overwhelming, infinite love—just as soon as they repent of the evil thoughts they’ve had since last experiencing the soul-shattering guilt of the sacrament.
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