SALT LAKE CITY — In heartwarming addresses at General Conference, the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints once again moved millions of faithful Saints with a series of eerily similar spiritual stories, all of which, curiously, occurred at 30,000 feet.
But a recent internal memo leaked by a concerned assistant reveals that many of these cherished “airplane conversion moments” may, in fact, be interactions with their own family members.
President Russell M. Nelson, 100 years old and most definitely is still taking commercial flights because “he likes to chat with the young folks,” opened the Saturday morning session with a stirring tale.
“I was on a Delta flight to Tulsa, and the Lord placed a special young man next to me,” Nelson recalled, blinking slowly. “He said he didn’t believe in God anymore, but as I bore my testimony, he began to cry and whispered, ‘Grandpa, please stop doing this, we talked about this last Thanksgiving.’ I couldn’t understand his words but I knew by his tears that the Adversary was free-falling without a parachute.”
Church headquarters later confirmed the “young atheist” was actually President Nelson’s great-grandson, Tanner, who had accompanied him on the flight to prevent him from accidentally boarding an Allegiant Air flight to Bakersfield again.
President Dallin H. Oaks, 92, followed with his own tearful airplane story: “I sat next to a confused young man who said he didn’t know where he was going in life. I bore powerful witness of Jesus Christ. He wept and said, ‘Great-gramps, it’s me, Kayden. I was just wondering if a car’s coming to pick us up this time. I’ll just call your assistant.’”
According to flight attendants, President Oaks spent the remainder of the flight attempting to gift his great-grandson a copy of In The Hands of The Lord in hardcover, despite a copy already resting in Kayden’s hands.
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, 84, also shared a touching narrative: “As I sat by a young woman with earbuds in, I asked if she had faith. She took one earbud out and said, ‘I’m sorry what’s that Elder Holland?’ I sat right there and bore my testimony of the restored gospel. She teared up immediately,” referring to when he bore his testimony to his executive assistant so many times she really thought “today’s the day.”
Investigators have traced at least 17 such airplane stories told in the last five years to incidents involving grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or home health aides accompanying the Brethren to various destinations. Church spokespersons insisted these are still “faith-promoting experiences” and shouldn’t be discounted just because “the stranger turned out to be a concerned relative preventing them from using the call button to summon the 3 nephites.”
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Some have even begun to question whether these frequent airplane stories might be complete illusions that stem from high-altitude travel itself, something that will need to be cured if we’re getting anywhere close to Kolob.
“We’re not saying the Spirit wasn’t involved in these airplane encounters, at least according to Mormon standards” said Dr. Marian Tibbs, a neurologist specializing in centenarian cognition at the University of Florida. “We’re just saying it’s statistically improbable that every member of the First Presidency is experiencing profound spiritual awakenings on Southwest Airlines. Let’s just say that 250 billion-dollar hedge funds practically come with complimentary private jets.’”
