In an unexpected episode of litigious archaeology, the mummified remains of Nebetah, a 3,000-year-old Egyptian noblewoman, have filed a lawsuit against the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS Church). The suit alleges unauthorized use of her funeral program in the church’s canonical text, the “Pearl of Great Price.”
“I May Be Dead, But My Copyrights Aren’t,” Declares Nebetah
Emerging from her sarcophagus with a legal team in tow, Nebetah addressed a throng of astonished reporters. “Just because I’m wrapped in linen doesn’t mean my intellectual property is up for grabs,” she stated, adjusting her bandages. “I didn’t spend two hours choosing the perfect hieroglyphic font for my funeral scroll just to have it misrepresented millennia later.”
Joseph Smith’s Translation Under Fire
The controversy centers around the “Book of Abraham,” a section within the “Pearl of Great Price,” which founder Joseph Smith claimed to have translated from Egyptian papyri acquired in the 1830s. Smith asserted that the papyri contained writings of the biblical patriarch Abraham. However, modern Egyptologists have identified the documents as common funerary texts, including “The Book of Breathings,” intended to guide Nebetah in the afterlife.
“I’m no Abraham,” Says Nebetah
Pointing to facsimiles published in the LDS scripture, Nebetah remarked, “They’ve labeled this figure as Abraham. I can assure you, that’s me. And those aren’t writings about the great achievements of Abraham, they’re tips on avoiding underworld crocodiles.” Adding insult to injury, Nebetah is overwhelmingly bored of monotheistic Abrahamic religions and finds the situation of being mistaken for Abraham highly embarrassing.
LDS Church Responds
A spokesperson for the LDS Church commented, “We respect Nebetah’s concerns and are reviewing the claims. It’s worth noting that during Joseph Smith’s time, understanding of Egyptian hieroglyphs was limited. Any resemblance to actual funerary documents is purely coincidental.”
Mummy Rights Activists Rally
The case has galvanized mummy rights activists worldwide. “For too long, ancient Egyptians have been voiceless victims of cultural appropriation,” said Ankhmahor, president of the Mummy Liberation Front. “We stand with Nebetah in her quest for justice and proper attribution.”
Tourism Industry in Turmoil
The lawsuit has also impacted the tourism industry. Local businesses in Utah have reported a surge in cancellations from mummies fearing further misrepresentation. “We can’t risk it,” said Thutmose, a 2,500-year-old pharaoh. “First, they call Nebetah ‘Abraham,’ next they’ll say I’m Moses.”
Scholars Weigh In
Dr. Amelia Carter, an expert in Egyptology, noted, “This case underscores the importance of accurate translation and cultural sensitivity. Misidentifying funerary texts as something they’re not is like finding a cookbook and declaring it a novel.”
Nebetah’s Demands
Nebetah’s legal team has outlined several demands:
- Formal acknowledgment of the misrepresentation
- Images of all of the General Authorities’ funeral programs printed in the magazine Atheist Weekly
“I’m Not Asking for Much,” Says Nebetah
“I just want my journey to the afterlife to be accurately represented,” Nebetah stated. “Is that too much to ask after three millennia?” Nebetah’s lawyers mentioned that they could go after some of the LDS Church’s proceeds from Ensign Peak since it would be easy to argue that the funeral program played a big part in attracting tithing donations for the hedge fund. Nebetah refused to become burdened with material compensation, saying that Charon, the god responsible for carrying her to the afterlife, does not allow checked luggage on the long flight over the dark rivers of the underworld.
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