SALT LAKE CITY — In a bold move blending spiritual manipulation and crisis management, Elder Neil L. Andersen of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles took to the pulpit at General Conference this past weekend to deliver what appeared to be a stirring tale of repentance, forgiveness, and extra-marital childcare.
Unbeknownst to the millions of faithful tuning in, the talk was reportedly part of an elaborate scheme to gently prepare his wife, Sister Kathy Andersen, for a deeply personal and slightly scandalous revelation: Neil accidentally sired a child out of wedlock, and he received a revelation that says Kathy is worthy to raise it. For Jesus.
The story Elder Andersen shared, which involved a hypothetical man committing adultery and fathering a child, only to be embraced and forgiven by his saintlike wife who agreed to raise the baby as her own, was received with quiet reverence from members and frantic texting among apostles.
Sources close to the family revealed the apostle later handed his wife a copy of his conference talk with a sticky note attached that read, “Hey babe, hope this story resonated. Let’s chat after priesthood session. Love u.”
Elder Andersen was recently spotted during the week after Conference hurriedly putting together a PowerPoint titled: “Forgiveness: A Divine Pattern (Also, This is Little Elijah)” with the word “atonement” copy/pasted many times throughout the presentation, sprinkled on every page.
When questioned about the timing of the talk, Elder Andersen reportedly replied, “The Lord’s timing is perfect. Also, the child support starts next month.”
The baby, Elijah Justice Andersen (nickname: “The Parable”), is reportedly adorable and already sealed to the family via a complex workaround involving post-mortality ordinances and a guy in Records.
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