“Did anyone hit their KPIs for eternal salvation?”
SALT LAKE CITY, UT — Likely inspired by Elon Musk’s email to federal employees, Elder David A. Bednar reportedly fired off a scathing “5-bullet points” email to the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles this Monday, demanding an update on what each had personally done to increase tithing revenue that week.
“Brothers,” the email began ominously, “I’ve been running the analytics dashboard on our Tithing Optimization Metrics (TOM), and frankly, I’m not seeing a lot of movement. Let’s tighten it up.”
Apostles reportedly found the tone of the email both “deeply motivational” and “alarming in a Fortune 500 sort of way.” President Dallin H. Oaks was seen muttering “we are literally a religion” under his breath during the emergency Zoom call, while Elder Uchtdorf attempted to pivot the conversation toward “branding synergy with the Relief Society.”
LDS Man Says He “No Longer Feels Peculiar”
“This is a church, not a hedge fund,” Elder Holland allegedly whispered after being asked to personally increase his tithe revenue by 15% week-over-week. “But also, I did secure a licensing deal with Chick-fil-A, so we’re good through Q3.”
Insiders suggest the new push for ROI-heavy spirituality comes directly from an emerging “Elon-style austerity doctrine” making its way through the Church Office Building, where full-time employees are now required to clock in at 5:00 AM, fast twice a week, and prove their worthiness via blockchain.
“We’re eliminating every inefficiency between you and your eternal net worth,” said a memo recently posted in the COB cafeteria. “Heavenly Father’s house has many mansions, but only the top 1% get valet parking.”
At press time, the Church announced a new “Tithing Plus” mobile app with in-app purchases for indulgences, temple queue-skipping, and General Conference backstage passes. A beta version of the app mistakenly charged users $12.99 to “remove ads from the Holy Ghost,” but Church officials say that bug has since been resolved and is now a feature.
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