Catholics Remember: “The Mormons Are From That Musical, Right?”
SALT LAKE CITY — In a surprising press conference held beneath the shadow of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints’ newest twelve-million-dollar neo-Gothic steeple (complete with complimentary golden censer and imported Vatican-grade flying buttresses), Elder Jeffrey R. Holland announced a bold new offer: the LDS Church is willing to “reconsider” its centuries-old doctrine labeling the Catholic Church as “the great and abominable church” and “mother of harlots”—if Catholics are finally willing to hang out during Easter.
Proposed Content Warning above 1 Nephi 13:
“Look,” Holland began, adjusting his custom-tailored purple tie, embroidered with subtle olive-branch-bearing doves, “We’ve come a long way. We’ve got steeples now. We’ve got the priesthood. We cover up sex abuse scandals. But it’s Holy Week that keeps eluding us.”
Holland’s appeal comes on the heels of the LDS Church’s latest “Operation Borrow Thy Neighbor’s Theology,” which follows earlier efforts like Confession Works Best in Public, and We’re Going to Need a Bigger Collection Plate.
I’m never gonna have a Good Friday.
Elder Holland tearfully said while looking at his signed picture of Pope Francis
The Book of Mormon’s notorious chapters 1 Nephi 13 and 14 have long posed a public relations challenge for the modern LDS Church, what with their uncomfortable declarations that a certain “great and abominable church” was “the whore of all the earth,” guilty of “perverting the right ways of the Lord” and “slaying the saints.” Scholars, critics, and members themselves have pointed out the passages’ clear nod to Catholicism.
“Well,” Holland sighed. “It was the 1830s. Joseph was going through a phase. Lots of people said dumb things during their frontier prophet years.”
Catholic Response: “Wait, Who Are These Guys Again?”
Reached for comment, the Vatican issued a brief, gentle statement: “We wish the Methodists well on their spiritual journey.”
When corrected that it was the Mormons making the overture, Cardinal Giuseppe Lattanzio squinted, paused, and said, “Oh, the ones from Book of Mormon: The Musical? Yes, yes. Hakuna Matata, very charming.”
Meanwhile, Catholics around the world were surveyed on their impressions of the LDS Church. The most common responses included:
- “Is that the bicycle-based religion?”
- “I thought they were rich Amish?”
- “Isn’t that the Tom Cruise one?” (typical response: “No you’re thinking of Space Mormons“)
Despite the lukewarm reception, LDS leadership is pushing ahead. This Easter, several wards were seen experimenting with Stations Stages of the Cross-themed seminary lessons, and one particularly ambitious stake in Provo attempted to install a Mary shrine, only to panic halfway through and rename it “Heavenly Mother For When We’re Ready to Talk About Her.”
“The thing people don’t understand,” said Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf in a separate statement, “is we’ve always admired the Catholic Church. The cathedrals, the incense, the Latin — and a billion members with extra cash lying around.” Uchtdorf was careful not to mention that he looked forward to someday drinking wine at church.
The Church has even started trialing its own version of sainthood, currently dubbed “Temple-Worthy Influencer,” with rumors circulating that David Archuleta was on track until he unfortunately decided that “queer people out-prioritize self-labelled peculiar people” who can’t stand to see anyone living a different life than themselves.
Final Offer
“If the Catholics could just give us a little nod of respect,” Holland concluded, “we’re prepared to issue a new edition of the Book of Mormon where chapters 13 and 14 with a content warning and a tasteful footnote: ‘Some regrettable phrasing has been removed, we really are more about covenants than coveting.’”
The offer was met with silence from Rome, where Pope Francis was reportedly too busy dealing with actual scandals to notice the Utah-based religious cosplay happening across the Atlantic.
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