SALT LAKE CITY — Elder Patrick Kearon, newly minted member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, expressed growing unease this week after two years on the job and “still not so much as a burning bush or faint shimmer.”
“As a Special Witness of Jesus Christ, I just figured, I don’t know, I might actually see Him at some point,” said Kearon, nervously adjusting his Apostle tie clasp, which incidentally features the silhouette of a man no one in the Church has actually met in person. “Even just a quick FaceTime. A dream cameo. At this point, I’d settle for a celestial LinkedIn connection request.”
Sources close to the Quorum report that Kearon’s concerns were initially dismissed as “classic new Apostle jitters,” with senior leaders assuring him that “the Lord operates on His own timetable, which sometimes includes decades of ghosting.”
“I asked President Eyring about it,” Kearon confided. “He just gave me that usual Eyring look—you know, the one that says ‘I’ve either seen the face of God or I’m deeply constipated’—and then whispered, ‘I thought Holland was going to tell you.’”
According to an internal memo obtained by our affiliate The Deseret Onion, a multi-decade standoff may be at play, in which senior Apostles have each privately assumed another would eventually admit the obvious.
“The running theory was that Eyring, being the most emotionally expressive, would finally break down and say, ‘Alright, fine, we made it all up in the 1830s,’” said one source familiar with Church correlation meetings. “But he thought Holland had the emotional bandwidth. Holland, meanwhile, assumed Oaks was waiting for just the right General Conference to drop the bomb. It’s like spiritual hot potato.”
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Kearon, formerly known for his eloquent General Conference addresses and stunning British accent, has reportedly begun inserting subtle red flags into his talks, such as air quotes around the word literal and conspicuously long pauses after saying “the Lord appeared to Joseph Smith.”
“I tried pulling Elder Bednar aside,” said Kearon. “I asked him if he’d ever actually seen Jesus. He got really quiet and just whispered, ‘Define seen.’ Then he vanished into a puff of Liahona magazine articles.”
Church headquarters has not responded to requests for comment, but sources confirm that Kearon has begun secretly placing “Have You Seen This Man?” posters in the Salt Lake Temple, complete with a composite sketch based on centuries of European art and one blurry image from The Chosen.
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