SALT LAKE CITY, UT — After decades of being the token “non-American-sounding” face in the top leadership of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf reportedly expressed quiet relief this week, murmuring, “At last, I’m not the only one here because I wasn’t born in Sandy.”
The remark came shortly after the Church announced the calling of a new General Authority Seventy who once lived in a country that doesn’t consider green Jell-O a salad.
“Don’t get me wrong,” said Uchtdorf, dusting off his accent for a regional broadcast, “I’ve loved serving. But I’ve also spent the last 20 years pretending my mere presence was proof we understood global diversity. At this point I’m basically the Church’s emotional support foreigner.”
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Despite the recent leadership addition in diversity, insiders say church leadership as a whole remains 99% composed of men who all look like they still go to the same missionary barber at the Provo MTC in 1976.
Still, Church leaders are reportedly proud of their “diversity advancements,” with one apostle noting, “We now have leaders who’ve been to Africa. That’s basically the same as being from there, right?”
When asked about DEI, most senior church authorities enthusiastically nodded while quietly trying to remember what the letters stand for. “Is it that European soccer league?” asked one. “No no, I think it’s something about electric cars,” offered another.
A Church spokesman later clarified: “We absolutely support DEI — as long as it doesn’t make anyone uncomfortable, imply any historical wrongdoing, or challenge the doctrine of ‘everyone is welcome as long as they assimilate perfectly.’”
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