SALT LAKE CITY — In a move reaffirming its commitment to fiscal responsibility, Ensign Peak Advisors, the $150 billion investment arm of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, announced Wednesday that tithing funds are strictly off-limits for stocking the office break room with snacks or beverages, citing concerns that such an expenditure would be an inappropriate use of sacred funds.
“The sacred nature of tithing requires us to be meticulous stewards of every dollar,” said spokesperson Elder Gordon Mathers, pausing to sip a LaCroix from a 48-pack purchased entirely with capital gains from Apple stock dividends. “We would never use members’ tithing money on something as frivolous as hot chocolate pods or granola bars — only the Lord’s return on His Tesla shares may be used to provide light refreshments.”
Employees at Ensign Peak confirmed that the firm maintains a strict firewall between tithing funds and what it calls “Discretionary Blessings Allocations,” a separate pool of money generated exclusively from investment returns. “If Sister Jensen’s tithing were to pay for this organic trail mix, that would be a gross violation of sacred trust,” said one employee, emptying a Costco-sized bag of almonds into a crystal serving dish. “But when the Lord’s diversified portfolio performs well, He obviously wants His servants to have access to single-origin cold brew.”
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Despite the financial separation, some critics have questioned whether the system is merely a shell game. In response, Ensign Peak released a 400-page financial statement that clarified how the firm’s $48 billion in stock holdings and real estate investments were totally unrelated to the $48 billion collected in tithing over the same period, calling any overlap “purely coincidental.”
“Tithing money is not used for the break room, period,” Mathers reiterated. “That money is used to build the Kingdom — through investment vehicles like private equity funds, municipal bonds, and the occasional cattle ranch. The break room is simply an expression of God’s will that His wealth managers never hunger or thirst.”
At press time, sources confirmed that Ensign Peak employees had begun circulating a memo reminding staff to avoid bringing kombucha into the building since the drink’s natural alcohol content could be a gateway into drinking liquids not sold directly by the church.
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