SALT LAKE CITY, UT — Ensign Peak Advisors, the 150-billion-dollar investment arm of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, made headlines this week after firing one of its senior portfolio managers for reportedly making “numerous high-risk trades based exclusively on promptings of the Spirit,” according to internal sources.
“We’re all for revelation,” said Ensign Peak spokesperson Glen Tidwell. “But when the Spirit tells you to put 12% of the Lord’s portfolio into Dogecoin because ‘it felt warm in your bosom,’ we have to step in.”
The fired employee, Brother Caleb Jensen, a returned missionary and BYU finance graduate, defended his actions, stating, “I prayed over every trade. The still small voice told me Spirit Airlines was due for a resurrection. How could I ignore that?”
Experts on gambling addiction in day trading noted that it’s common for addicts to mistake the adrenaline hit they get from making a trade with “extra-natural influences that want you to make money.”
Jensen’s divinely guided investment decisions included buying up thousands of shares of RadioShack, “because the Spirit said there would be a restoration,” and shorting Apple after feeling “a dark stupor of thought during a keynote.” At one point, he claims he tried to fast his way to insider information.
“Honestly, flipping a coin would’ve performed better,” said Tidwell. “At least the coin has a 50% chance. The Spirit apparently told him to buy into MoviePass twice—once after bankruptcy. We’re not even sure how that’s possible.”
Insiders report that Jensen frequently bore his testimony during morning market briefings and often prefaced his trade suggestions with “I know that TSLA has bottomed and it’s time to invest,” which proved wrong day after day.
“He kept talking about how the Lord works in mysterious ways,” said one analyst. “Which, fine—but not emerging market derivatives mysterious.”
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Several Ensign Peak veterans expressed concern that Jensen’s actions could set a dangerous precedent. “If everyone started following the Spirit, we’d lose track of our real mission,” said Tidwell. “Maximizing tax-free capital gains while maintaining plausible deniability. That’s the true work of the Restoration.”
Church leaders were reportedly hesitant to take action, fearing it might appear to contradict their teachings on personal revelation. However, once Jensen tried to anoint Tesla stock with consecrated oil, it became clear the Spirit was not optimizing for alpha.
As a result of the fiasco, Ensign Peak has instituted new policies requiring all promptings to be correlated with at least three General Conference talks before allocation.
As Jensen was escorted from the premises, he reportedly looked skyward and whispered, “I guess I’ll shake the dust off my feet… and reinvest elsewhere.”
