SALT LAKE CITY, UT — In a miraculous annual fulfillment of Old Testament scripture, officials from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints have confirmed that opening the tithing-funded $30 million retractable glass roof (nicknamed “Windows of Heaven”) atop the City Creek Center shopping mall each Spring is a fulfillment of the promise in Malachi 3:10.
“People have doubted for centuries what Malachi meant when he said the Lord would ‘open the windows of heaven and pour you out a blessing,'” said Elder Paul R. Tithington, spokesperson for the Church’s Commercial Revelations Department. “Well, it turns out it was a fully automated, climate-controlled skylight above a luxury retail complex.”
The retractable roof, funded in part by sacred tithing dollars redirected through a maze of shell companies, now serves as a beacon of both spiritual obedience and indoor-outdoor shopping convenience.
“Some members questioned where their 10% was going,” continued Elder Tithington, adjusting his Hermès tie while sipping from a pressed-juice chalice inside the mall’s VIP Prayer & Lounge Suite. “But if watching that glass dome slide open while you shop for God-approved skinny jeans at H&M isn’t a blessing from heaven, I don’t know what is.”
The Church’s investment arm, Zion’s Holdings & Holy ROI, has since released a statement noting that the mall’s roof can be opened during select General Conference weekends, weather permitting, “to symbolically shower blessings on any who have a Nordstrom-Temple combo loyalty card.”
Critics have pointed out that the phrase “pour you out a blessing” seems less spiritual when the blessing is a 3-for-1 pretzel deal at Auntie Anne’s (Tuesdays before 5pm).
Church officials unveiled a new seminary lesson plan which helps students perform complex math problems to convert widow’s mites into a retail megaplexes. The new lesson plan also includes such inspired topics as:
- “Render Unto Ceasar: Calculate Sales Tax Like a Roman Boss”
- “Fast Offerings Do Not Qualify You For Eternal Rewards Points”
- “Save Your Mites: Don’t Pay For Apple Care”
Local member Sister Karen Dunlap expressed gratitude after watching the windows of heaven open on a sunny afternoon shopping trip. “As soon as the roof retracted, I felt the Spirit—and also a breeze. And then I bought a $400 handbag. I don’t believe in signs but I think the Lord truly wants me to prosper.”
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