HEAVEN — In a development described by heavenly sources as “avoidable but entirely on-brand,” God has indefinitely postponed the appointment of a new pope after becoming visibly frustrated by the recent approval of an LDS temple in Fairview, a small town previously known primarily for its seasonal antique fair and a natural science museum which boldly claims that the Earth is more than 6,000 years old.
The temple, which received a 5-2 vote of approval following a prolonged campaign of legal pressure, endless renderings of steeples, and what one observer described as “a level of lobbying previously reserved for oil pipelines,” was granted final clearance last week despite broad opposition from local residents, zoning officials, and most of the surrounding wildlife.
“The Lord had narrowed the field to three strong papal candidates,” said Archangel Michael, speaking from the Heavenly Administrative Wing. “But once word came in that the LDS Church had leveraged a legal threat to push through yet another great and spacious monstrosity, Heavenly Father became… distracted.”
Heavenly aides confirm God spent several hours pacing the clouds, muttering “Nelson claims we talk but he never listens” and “I should have just put my foot down on this temple nonsense with Solomon.”
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The delay in papal selection has left Vatican officials in limbo. With no guidance from the divine realm, cardinals have resorted to what one insider called “spiritual busywork,” including reviewing applications for sainthood of individuals that “everyone knows” won’t make it, and attempting to “fix” the Vatican Wi-Fi when it’s working fine.
Meanwhile, representatives of the LDS Church have celebrated the Fairview approval as “a win for freedom of religion, community values, and our Real Estate portfolio.” In a prepared statement, the Church expressed gratitude for the support of local leaders whose arrogance allowed their faith to overcome all of the teachings they learned as kids in Sunday School.
“Our temples are bright lights in a wicked world,” the statement read, just above a QR code for a discount on sunglasses for residents who are unfortunate to live within 5 blocks of the megaplex.
Asked if He intended to resume the papal selection process soon, God reportedly sighed, glanced at a thick folder labeled “Arizona,” and said, “Let’s just see how this fight in Flagstaff goes.”
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