SALT LAKE CITY, UT — Family members of 100-year-old LDS Church President Russell M. “Rusty” Nelson are reportedly growing anxious that the Prophet’s legendary spiritual one-upmanship — especially with his liturgical nemeses in the Catholic Church — may lead to an overly theatrical and fully premeditated demise this coming Christmas.
The concern comes on the heels of Pope Francis’ recent passing on Easter Sunday, which Nelson allegedly referred to as “the Hail Mary of symbolic exits.”
“Rusty’s always had a weirdly competitive thing with the Pope,” said one family member, nervously rearranging a shelf of porcelain steeple figurines. “He respects him, sure, but now he’s obsessed. Ever since Easter, he’s been muttering, ‘That’s bold. That’s timing. That’s stagecraft,’ referring to the craft that is slightly less diabolical than priestcraft.”
Church insiders say the centenarian has dramatically upped his rhetoric in recent weeks, referring to December 25th as “The Final Fireside.” Members who were tasked with carrying out Nelson’s posthumous wishes don’t know if this is a coded request for cremation.
He’s also requested that funeral arrangements include a live nativity, his neckties retired and framed, and a 176-foot steeple for a grave stone. And not just one, but one in every cemetery nationwide.
“He told the Quorum, ‘Look, even if I go on Christmas, we’re only cutting the end credits short by, what, three months tops? That’s margin-of-error stuff when you’re a hundred. Let me have this.’” recounted one apostle, who asked not to be named, but may or may not be Elder Bednar.
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Rusty’s flair for spectacle is nothing new. Members may recall his headline-grabbing moves over the past few years, including renaming the church members by phasing out “Mormon,” and announcing temple locations in cities that had to Google themselves to make sure they were real. But sources say this time, the Prophet may be aiming for “a lore-creating finale.”
Public Affairs has done its best to calm the membership, releasing a statement that reads: “President Nelson is in excellent health for a man his age and has no current plans to depart mortality in a seasonally symbolic gesture. However, in the event of such an occasion, we’ve choses red and green to be Nelson’s ‘funeral colors’.”
“He doesn’t want to be morbid,” one family member said. “He just wants to die in a way that trends on all platforms and makes Catholics say, ‘Okay, that was cool. Tell me again, who are these Mormons?’”
As we report this story, Rusty is reportedly reviewing his favorite recordings of hymns to be played at his wake, looking displeased, and muttering, “Needs more tuba.”
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