CELESTIAL KINGDOM — In a shocking celestial revelation released Monday, sources close to the Angel Moroni have confirmed that the iconic Nephite prophet-turned-divine-herald never actually wanted to play the trumpet — despite being eternally memorialized doing just that on top of every Latter-day Saint temple around the globe.
“He always wanted to be a potter,” said an anonymous heavenly insider, who spoke on condition of spiritual anonymity. “You know, clay, wheels, earth tones — that’s always been his deal. But his parents were classic high-expectation Nephite types. ‘All the good angels play instruments, Moroni. Why not try trumpet? Gabriel plays trumpet. Don’t you want to be like Gabriel?'”
Moroni, who compiled and buried the golden plates that later became the Book of Mormon, reportedly had a strong aversion to brass instruments from a young age, steering him towards using gold for the plates while brass lay in abundance everywhere.
His childhood journal, recently recovered in a miraculous archeological dig that could only be validated in the Spirit World, contained emotionally charged entries such as: “Father says if I don’t learn to play the trumpet, I’ll be a nobody during the fullness of times. But all I want is to throw a big lump of wet clay on the wheel and really feel something.”
He also reportedly wrote a short poem during adolescence titled, “Lips of Brass, Heart of Ash.”
Despite his inner turmoil, Moroni was eventually guilted into trumpet lessons by the relentless cultural pressure of ancient Nephite society, which scholars now describe as “aggressively extracurricular.” According to angelic lore, he practiced diligently under the direction of Brother Shenandoah, the only music instructor available in 421 A.D., who is said to have constantly reminded young Moroni: “Remember, it’s for your eternal résumé. Plus, AYU is just so hard to get into these days,” referring to Alma-the-Younger University, the premiere Mormon-owned school at the time.
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“He doesn’t even play anymore,” said another source, reportedly Joseph Smith himself, who added: “We only gave him the trumpet because we couldn’t find a way to sculpt celestial pottery that had good curb appeal. He told me in vision once, ‘I’m literally just holding it. I’m not even playing anything. It’s not connected to anything.’”
LDS Church officials have responded to the story by doubling down on trumpet-based branding, releasing a statement titled “We Hear Moroni — Loud and Clear.” The press release outlines plans to “amplify Moroni’s message through enhanced trumpet symbolism,” including a limited edition line of angelic trumpets for Primary children and a Temple Square trumpet solo contest entitled “To Thee, Moroni, We Blow.”
LDS Temple designers, who are aware of the news, claim that gold statues depicting Moroni working on his throwing wheel would not be conducive to the Church’s message of being the loudest most annoying Church in the World.
Meanwhile, Moroni has reportedly requested a celestial sabbatical and begun volunteering in the artisan village near the pearly gates. His current project? A 6-ft wide ceramic vase called “The Vessel I Could’ve Been.”
