PROVO, UT — Declaring that his spiritual conscience remains clear and unburdened, 21-year-old BYU freshman Brandon Mendenhall confirmed Sunday that he doesn’t bother confessing masturbation to his bishop, as long as it’s consensual.
“It’s just me, myself, and I,” said Mendenhall, shrugging as he double-checked the “Informed Consent” checkbox on his phone’s Notes app. “We all agreed to it ahead of time. It’s a three-way trust system.”
According to friends, the freshman business major—who sports a thrifted cardigan, a small tattoo which he claims is “metaphorical,” and a well-worn copy of Come, Follow Me Hands—has adopted what he calls a “nuanced approach” to the Law of Chastity. “My generation grew up with different standards,” Mendenhall said. “In my worldview, purity is about consent, boundaries, and good communication—plus, like, a splash of lavender essential oil.”
Mendenhall reports having had several “open and affirming” DTRs (Define the Relationship) with his own libido, ensuring that all parties are spiritually aligned before any private prayer and friction-based activity.
Church leaders remain divided on the issue. Bishop Craig Ellsworth of the Y Mountain 17th Ward called the trend “deeply concerning,” noting that “the Holy Ghost cannot dwell in unclean hands.”
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“Consent is important,” Ellsworth clarified, “but so is a 15-minute sobbing confession in my office every Sunday afternoon. That’s how God intended it.”
However, some in the Church are warming to Gen Z’s approach. Relief Society President Karen McMillan told reporters she’s “just glad the men are talking about something other than protein shakes and AI startups,” after which she flinched, remembering the cringey joke her husband keeps telling about semen being like a protein shake.
She also expressed cautious optimism that “maybe we can just shame each other less and focus more on not being jerks,” unaware of where the put-down ‘jerk’ comes from.
For his part, Mendenhall remains unrepentant.
“My masturbation is informed, enthusiastic, and mutually respectful,” he said. “Frankly, it’s the most Christlike relationship I’ve ever had.”
