PROVO, UT — In a shocking spiritual appearance during a late-night prayer-ponder-and-linger-longer session held at a BYU dorm (originally intended to summon Jimmer Fredette’s NBA career), the ghost of Brigham Young materialized and immediately began roasting modern tech mogul Elon Musk for what he called “the weakest attempt at patriarchal supremacy I’ve ever seen.”
“Ten kids and you pay for it?” scoffed the 19th-century Mormon leader, referring to Musk’s practice of paying women to put up with him and have his children. “Back in my day, we didn’t compensate our wives. We inspired them — with pioneer grit, apocalyptic dread, and by behaving ‘childlike’ until they came to take care of me.”
According to witnesses, Young’s ghost appeared visibly annoyed after someone in the prayer circle compared Musk’s prolific childbearing to 19th-century Mormon polygamy. “He’s no polygamist,” Young spat, ectoplasm dripping from his mutton chops. “He thinks marriage is a subscription service with baby add-ons.”
Young continued, “This man can apparently build electric cars, rockets, and a pretty cool impossible-to-escape compound if I’m being honest — and yet he can’t keep a single wife on board for more than a calendar quarter? I managed 55 marriages without a single Neuralink or stock option. The only thing I offered was a custom-carved chair for their rears and the promise of eventual space glory.” Members of the prayer circle were still confused as nobody has brought up or even thought about Elon Musk for about a month now, yet Young’s ghost seemed completely consumed by the South African King who now runs America.
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When informed that Musk’s reported aim is to “spread humanity across the stars,” Young rolled his eyes so hard the lights flickered in four counties. “I literally promised my people that we’d inherit planets in the afterlife. How’s he going to improve on the Plan of Salvation? Stick some extra cupholders on it?”
A representative from the LDS Church, fearing the Church’s tax exempt status could be at stake, apologized immediately for any remarks that a cruel thin-skinned tyrant could mistake as terrorism.
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