SALT LAKE CITY—In what church leaders are calling an “unfortunate but faith-strengthening trial,” God has once again either declined or failed to reveal future stock market trends, forcing The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to continue using tithing funds to prop up its $150 billion investment arm, Ensign Peak Advisors.
“We keep asking, but for some reason, the Lord remains silent on which stocks to short and when to dump our holdings in Nvidia,” said church President Russell M. Nelson, staring intently into a hat. Since the market has slumped, President Nelson spends his days staring into a hat, hoping the next Tesla earnings call might be revealed by divine means. “The scriptures say God helps those who help themselves—so until we get some celestial insider trading tips, we’ll have to keep siphoning from the faithful.”
Despite years of fervent prayers and fasting from the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, God has reportedly refused to provide so much as a single stock ticker symbol or cryptocurrency trading tip, a refusal that many church leaders find baffling.
“Brother Joseph got entire golden plates out of this thing,” muttered Elder D. Todd Christofferson, pointing at the aforementioned hat, “but the best we can get is ‘diversify your portfolio’ and ‘buy the dip.’ What kind of revelation is that?”
Critics have questioned why an investment fund dabbling in religion and claiming divine guidance has yet to receive so much as a whispered hint about the next GameStop-style stock surge.
LDS Woman Saves Us From Annihilation Each Week By Writing “Everyone” on Temple Prayer Roll
“If God wanted us to focus on investing, He would have said something by now,” whispered a financial analyst for the church, speaking under conditions of anonymity for fear of excommunication—or worse, banishment down to Provo to chaperone EFY. “The Brethren have done all they can. They’ve knelt in prayer, fasted, and even tried baptizing Warren Buffett. Nothing.”
As a result, leaders say, the church will regrettably have to continue collecting tithing funds from members while maintaining its vast, tax-free investment empire—until such time as God finally decides to reveal whether Apple will split its stock again.
In the meantime, President Nelson has reportedly refused to leave his office, claiming he doesn’t want to “risk stepping away right when God decides to reveal whether to go long or short on Bitcoin.” Sources say he is still staring into the hat, just in case.
Get our sacred insights hot off the press.
We'll never sell your information or ask for 10% of your income. Privacy Policy
