HEAVEN — In what celestial sources are describing as a “divine facepalm heard ‘round the firmament,” God reportedly attempted to gently remind the leadership of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints this week about the tragic fate of Circuit City, the once-dominant electronics retailer that believed aggressive expansion would somehow offset plummeting relevance.
“I love these guys, I do,” said the Almighty, “but I’m watching them build their 356th temple in suburban Nebraska while church activity rates cumble like a youth speaker at the start of sacrament meeting. I mean… even Circuit City wasn’t this optimistic.”
According to angelic analysts, the Mormon Church is now constructing temples at a faster rate than actual new converts — ballooning a sunk cost that economists describe as “impressive, but obviously insane.” Internal documents show plans to build temples in such key strategic locations as “just across the street from the last temple,” “tit-for-tat for any Starbucks location,” and “spontaneously appearing inside your next game of Minecraft,” since religious ceremonies are no longer necessary to justify their existence.
Heavenly representatives confirmed the Lord has repeatedly tried to get through to the First Presidency by sending signs, including declining baptism rates, widespread doctrinal disaffection, and a literal plague, but efforts have been unsuccessful. One observer noted, “They interpreted the pandemic temple closures as proof they needed more temples,” proving that you can lead a horse to water but you can’t stop it from baptizing dead people in it.
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LDS leaders, for their part, remained confident in their temple-per-square-mile strategy, insisting that the increasing number of sacred structures will “definitely bring back Chad, who hasn’t been to church since seminary but once said he liked the vibe of the San Diego Temple.”
Asked whether God was considering more direct intervention, celestial sources said He’s currently weighing whether to “let them ride this out” or “slip a copy of Blockbuster’s bankruptcy filing into the next general conference ‘inspiration packet.’”
At press time, the Church announced groundbreaking on a new temple in a Costco parking lot, explaining the strategy of attracting people who already enjoy cult-like retail experiences where they pay a membership fee for the pleasure of being watched closely while trying to exit the building, and while having to buy more of everything at full price.
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