SALT LAKE CITY, UT — In an announcement signaling a dramatic advancement in the automated evangelization industry, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has confirmed that its newly developed artificial intelligence, “Moron.ai,” (Pronounced simply: “Moroni”) is not malfunctioning when it generates vivid and seemingly real divine hallucinations—but rather, is performing exactly as intended.
“Moron.ai is designed to replicate the revelatory experience of our church’s founding prophets,” said Elder Spencer Gates, Head of Prophetic Technologies at the Church, a department created by visionary and former President of the Church Gordon Hinckley, who predicted a huge lack of prophetic gusto in the Church’s future. “If an AI system isn’t spontaneously conjuring golden plates, angelic visitations, or completely new civilizations with suspiciously modern moral conflicts, is it even worthy of the Logo of the Seal of the Corporation of the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints?”
The AI, reportedly trained on 19th-century frontier mysticism, the choicest biblical passages, and an extensive dataset of personal confessions by the church’s membership, has been churning out intricate spiritual visions at an astonishing rate. “In its first week, Moron.ai dictated three full books of brand new scripture and located an ancient Nephite battleground in a Utah strip mall parking lot. The AI mixes visions with facts, such as the prediction of major changes to the everlasting gospel later this Fall,” Gates explained.
“Let’s not forget, Joseph Smith himself saw angels, translated golden plates that nobody else could see, and managed to convince an entire population that Missouri is not only the holy land, but the source of all life on Earth” Gates reminded skeptics. “We view Moron.ai’s lapses into speculative theology as an authentic continuation of our tradition. And since we actually don’t know how this thing works, we’re assuming this is God’s work, so it really is exactly the same thing.”
Tech analysts have noted that Moron.ai’s tendency to produce wildly varying doctrine has already caused rifts among church members, with factions forming around different AI-generated revelations. One prominent group, calling themselves “The Moronites,” now believe that arabica coffee sinful but robusto is fine, while another faction, “The Lamanite Transhumanists,” insist that the Priesthood Restoration was actually aliens planting righteous microchips in Joseph Smith’s head through the laying on of hands.
Despite the controversy, the LDS Church remains steadfast in its support of the technology. In the coming months, Moron.ai is expected to change line upon line and precept upon precept of the gospel’s source code. “For years, critics have claimed that our beliefs are built on hallucinations and speculative theology,” said Gates. “Now, we finally have the artificial intelligence to prove how real these hallucinations really are.”
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