As LDS temples pop up around America, American birth rates plummet.
ATLANTA, GA — A growing body of research suggests that regular exposure to modern LDS (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) temple architecture may be linked to a surprising range of adverse health effects, including elevated stress, dulled aesthetic instincts, and, in extreme cases, complete sexual-system dysfunction.
The study’s authors, who are all men, say that sexual dysfunction probably occurs in women as well, but that this interview was the first time they’d thought about it. Researchers at the CDC however are “seeing a trend for both men and women,” said Dr. Susan Morales of the CDC’s Department of Environmental Despair. “they drive past these temples and report an immediate drop in energy, mood, and in some cases, romantic interest. Some have even described the feeling as ‘like being hugged by drywall.’”
Once lauded by 1980s dental office designers as “clean” and “efficient,” the modern LDS temple style has become a topic of architectural concern, described by experts as ‘Post-Brutalist Beige Anxiety’, ‘Neo-Suburban Gothic’, and ‘Minecraft But Sad’.
The Angel Mormon Visits, Says Using His Name As Church Nickname Was Always “Fine by me”
A Legacy of Cement and Fear
Though early temples had ornate, handcrafted flourishes, recent decades have seen a marked shift toward prefabricated features and monolithic slabs featuring what some critics describe as “the emotional range of a fax machine.”
The typical layout features long, flat walls, Ivory-Home-branded vestibules, and a steeple so out of proportion it appears to have been installed out of spite or low self-esteem.
“You ever seen a building look like it’s apologizing for existing?” said Salt Lake City resident Amber LeFevre. “That’s what it feels like. Like it’s saying, ‘I’m sorry your quaint town skyline now includes this building-shaped billboard.’”
A Steeple Too Far
In one recent incident in Fairview, Texas, the Church found itself embroiled in a legal battle after proposing a 176-foot steeple in a zone that only allows 35 feet. City officials called the design “a violation of zoning laws and also common decency.”
Local residents questioned whether the steeple’s size was, perhaps, compensatory.
“It’s not the first time someone’s tried to win an argument with sheer verticality,” said Councilman Greg Miller. “But if your spiritual message needs a 176-foot billboard, maybe it’s the message that needs the most work.”
LDS Church Responds
When reached for comment, a spokesperson for the Church stated:
“Our temples reflect eternal truths through clean, orderly design. Any resemblance to a JW Marriott Hotel with a persecution complex is purely coincidental.”
The Church also rejected the claim that many temples appear to have been designed via an outdated PowerPoint template labeled “Spiritual Boxes – Template 4.”
Design by Revelation?
Internally, LDS architects insist their plans are divinely inspired.
“Every temple design begins with prayer,” said Elder David L. Whitmer, Church architect and occasional steeple enthusiast. “Then we sketch out something great, spacious, and consistent with the classic ‘white padded room’ look. The Lord hasn’t objected so far.”
Public Health Advisory
In light of the findings, the CDC is advising those living within five miles of an LDS temple to limit visual contact and avoid prolonged contemplation of the design. Protective measures may include tinted windows, support groups, or, in extreme cases, turning slightly to the left.
“We’re not anti-religion,” Dr. Morales clarified. “We’re just anti-concrete trapezoid. There’s a difference.”
Get our sacred insights hot off the press.
We'll never sell your information or ask for 10% of your income. Privacy Policy
