In a revelation that’s shaking both theological and breakfast communities alike, scholars have successfully deciphered the enigmatic Anthon Transcript, unveiling a covert 19th-century product placement for Ovaltine. The transcript, long believed to contain ancient scriptural language, has now been translated to read: “Be Sure to Drink Your Ovaltine.”
This discovery suggests that Joseph Smith, founder of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, may have been an early adopter of subliminal advertising techniques. Experts posit that Smith’s purported divine revelations were, in fact, part of a strategic marketing campaign for the popular malted beverage.
“It’s akin to finding out the Dead Sea Scrolls were just ancient sugar-cereal box promotions,” remarked Dr. Ella S. Dee, a leading expert in religious studies. “Smith was ahead of his time, seamlessly blending spirituality with consumerism.”
The Anthon Transcript, presented by Smith to scholar Charles Anthon in 1828, was previously thought to contain characters from a “reformed Egyptian” language. However, with the aid of modern decoding technology and a vintage Ovaltine decoder ring, researchers have unveiled its true message.
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“We always wondered why the early Mormon texts had recurring themes of health in the navel and marrow in the bones,” said Professor Edwin Gonzalez, a beverage historian. “Now it makes sense; it was all about promoting a wholesome family drink to replace coffee.”
This revelation has led to a re-examination of other religious artifacts. Rumors are swirling that the Holy Grail might have been a promotional Captain Morgan Shot Glass, and the manna from heaven could have been an early form of energy bar.
In response to the findings, the LDS Church released a statement: “While we respect scholarly research, we affirm that our faith is built on spiritual foundations, not breakfast beverages.”
Meanwhile, Ovaltine’s current marketing team is reportedly thrilled, considering a retro campaign that embraces this newfound historical connection. “Ovaltine: The Plan of Salivation,” quipped one executive.
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