INDEPENDENCE, MO—Jesus Christ made His long-awaited return to Earth this past Tuesday—only to be immediately detained by Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) on suspicion of illegal entry.
The Son of God, who reappeared in downtown Independence, Missouri, wearing sandals and a robe, was reportedly speaking both Aramaic and “Reformed Egyptian,” causing several members of the public to alert authorities about a “suspicious foreign national.”
“First of all I don’t get why he didn’t apply for citizenship the first time he was here over a thousand years ago,” said local resident Chad Bingham, a devoted Latter-day Saint and self-described “Patriot First, Christian also First.” “Today he was loitering, helping the homeless and healing people indiscriminately. This economy is bad enough, we don’t need to add woke homeless people performing acts of communism to the dumpster fire.”
ICE agents quickly responded to the scene and detained the Messiah, who was found without a passport, visa, proof of citizenship, or even a supermarket membership card.
According to agents, Jesus initially refused to answer questions, choosing instead to respond with the parable of The Rich Fool who accidentally abandoned half his wealth when Tesla share prices recently crashed.
LDS Church officials hesitated to intervene, noting how important the role of persecution has on the faith of everyone everywhere.
After being fingerprinted and processed, He was sent to a detention facility outside Kansas City, where He reportedly spent the night consoling fellow detainees and miraculously multiplying a single bag of ramen from the commissary into enough authentic Tsukemen Ramen to feed an entire stable of sumo wrestlers.
Officials at ICE confirmed that Jesus will remain in custody until his immigration status is verified. However, conservative members of the Missouri State Legislature have already begun pushing for His deportation.
“Look, I have nothing against Jesus personally,” said State Senator Todd McMurtry, a devout member of the First Southern Baptist Church and Militia. “But we have rules in this country. If we just let in every long-haired socialist preaching open-border nonsense, next thing you know, we’ll have free healthcare and universal forgiveness. That’s not what our pro-NRA Founding Fathers intended.”
Evangelicals including Latter-day Saints across the nation are struggling to reconcile their faith with the realization that the figure they have worshipped for generations might not pass a standard citizenship test.
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“I don’t know, man,” said Derek Wilkins, an LDS bishop from Independence. “I always pictured modern-day Jesus to be more like, you know… clean cut. Definitely no foreign accent. Maybe a Republican. But this guy? I’m just glad we’ve still got Guantanamo.”
While awaiting trial, Jesus reportedly applied for a work visa since his unique talents would qualify him as an EMT or other first responder roles. His request is expected to be denied due to recent policy changes making it harder for Middle Eastern individuals to prove “full person” status. Meanwhile, several Republican lawmakers have suggested that Jesus “go through the proper legal channels” and “wait in line like everyone else” and “if you’re the Son of God, make these lines smaller.”
LDS leaders in recent years have been oddly quiet about their belief that when The Lord returns, his preferred US destination would be Independence, Missouri. Now that it’s actually happened, Church leaders back-peddle even further as they try to reconcile The Son of God as a non-American… and maybe even as Middle-Eastern.
Despite these setbacks, Jesus remains hopeful. Sources inside the detention center report that He has begun washing the feet of fellow inmates with an anti-fungal mixture that nearly all in cell D say is a lifesaver. In the evenings he teaches a weight-lifting class where the main takeaway is: “nobody needs to bear their cross alone as long as they have a spotter.”
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