Doctrine

LDS Church Accidentally Converts Members to Catholicism By Introducing “Holy Week” Festivities

By LDS News Staff

April 16, 2025

Pictured: Jake Larsen of Boise misses the days when they just pushed handcarts.

SALT LAKE CITY, UT — In what observers are calling a “good-faith attempt at liturgical relevance,” the LDS Church has reportedly sparked a mass identity crisis among its members after launching its first-ever “Holy Week” celebration — complete with incense, Gregorian chant, palm branches, and a bishop who’s a little too into robes. The effort has convinced thousands of members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, who have been trying to get to Heavenly Father, through Jesus, via Catholicism, through Mormonism, that they should just go straight to the source (Catholicism).

The idea behind the holy trademark infringement intends to “connect with global Christianity,” but has instead left thousands of Latter-day Saints halfway through a ~~Stations~~ Stages of the Cross procession, Googling phrases like “how do I become Catholic without telling Grandma?”

Clockwise starting top-left: 1. James Hugh of Bountiful, UT is starting to think Jesus “went through some stuff” during his last week of life. 2. Elders quorums of local wards are naturally tasked with hanging 80-pound crucifixes on ward building entrances. 3. Ward members may now practice Catholicism without any fear of excommunication, but only during Holy Week. 4. Closeted Catholic Mormons in a secret combination back in the 1970s when practicing Catholicism was forbidden.

“We just thought Holy Week sounded neat,” said Elder Marvin Q. Scrupples, the Church’s newly appointed Coordinator of Sacred Imitations. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed but this has been going on since Joseph Smith started ‘borrowing’ concepts like the priesthood, apostles, ridiculously huge steeples, hiding sex abuse, etc.. We figured that 2025 would be a good year to start acting like we always celebrated Holy Week.”

The Holy Week rollout began on Palm Sunday with a surprise distribution of palms in Sacrament Meeting. “At first, I thought they replaced the carnations but then I realized it wasn’t Mother’s Day yet,” said Sister Kimberly Atkinson of Provo. “But then we were waving the palms and chanting in Latin. I haven’t sat down since but I have gone straight into a kneel a few times. It’s not all bad I guess, my Apple Watch has been congratulating me all morning on my workout.”

By Wednesday, LDS wards across the U.S. were awkwardly holding Tenebrae services with hastily YouTube-taught choirs humming “O Sacred Head Now Wounded.” As Church leaders plan Maundy Thursday festivities they feel conflicted since the day is set aside to remember Christ’s commandment to love one another, which is “the kind of smut Catholics are into.”

The upcoming Good Friday vigil holds some surprises for members worldwide as it’s the day the Church has scheduled the installation of a life-size crucifix installed above the podium in every Ward building. “We were told these crosses were always part of the plan,” said Brother Todd Wengstrom, a member tasked with cleaning the chapel before the “cross guys get here.” “But at this point, it feels like the next thing they’ll make me do is wear a mitre,” said Brother Wengstrom who now self-identifies as ‘Episcopalian-curious.’

Sources inside Church HQ say the idea for LDS Holy Week came after Church leaders saw Catholics trending on TikTok during Lent. “We realized our most aesthetic season is like, maybe Pioneer Day?” admitted one Area Authority under condition of anonymity. “We just can’t compete with transubstantiation and incense filters.”

While the Church is officially reminding members that Catholicism “lacks modern revelation, an unbroken line of prophets, and adequate snack options after Sunday School,” many Saints are reportedly reevaluating.

“I didn’t mean to, but I accidentally went to Mass on Saturday,” said Relief Society President Sharon Leavitt. “The music was lovely. The liturgy was beautiful. And no one made me sign up to clean the little baptismal font. And even if they did, it’s so little!”

As for Salt Lake’s official stance, Elder Scrupples remained optimistic. “We may have gone too far, but it’s all part of our long-term strategy,” he said. “Next year, we’re beta-testing a Vatican-style balcony for General Conference. President Nelson is very excited to try smiling and waving in a convincing way.”

As this story was being prepared for print, the LDS Church has reportedly been in talks with Dan Brown to write a bestseller that does what “The Da Vinci Code,” did for Catholics: to make the public “momentarily forget how messed up this church is.”