SALT LAKE CITY—In what scholars are already calling a profound redefinition of the English language, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced plans to construct 50 additional temples across the globe, bravely continuing its campaign to redefine the word “modest” from something resembling humility into something that costs roughly $50 million a pop.
“We believe that modesty is a principle that should govern all aspects of our lives,” said Elder Branson P. Hendershaw of the Church’s Temple Construction Committee, standing beneath a gilded chandelier inside a temple foyer adorned with imported Italian marble. “Whether it’s how much shoulder you’re showing or how much gold leaf you use in a celestial room, modesty is about restraint.”
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The new temples will join the already impressive ranks of immaculate buildings that most members will only ever see in Instagram engagement photos. Despite reports showing a decline in active, temple-worthy membership, Church leaders remain undeterred, noting that the best way to demonstrate humility before God is through increasingly opulent architectural statements.
“It’s true that fewer members are attending the temple these days,” admitted Hendershaw. “But that’s exactly why we’re building more of them. Nothing says ‘modest devotion’ like a $100 million edifice that sits empty six days a week. It’s what Jesus would have wanted — if He were really into high-end real estate.”
In recent years, the LDS Church has emphasized modesty as a core value, especially when it comes to women’s fashion choices. Church representatives clarified that the same principle applies to real estate projects, where the definition of modesty apparently translates to “anything that wouldn’t look out of place in a Bond villain’s vacation home.”
“Modesty is all about covering what needs to be covered,” explained Sister Brenda P. Mortenson, head of the Modesty Enforcement Subcommittee. “With the temples, we’re simply covering the sacred ground in the most tasteful, six-figure murals and hand-carved wood panels possible.”
While some critics have suggested the funds could be better spent on humanitarian efforts or addressing housing insecurity, Church officials reassured members that they are absolutely helping the less fortunate—by giving them something truly inspiring to look at from the bus stop across the street.
“When a struggling single mother sees the spire of a temple glistening in the sunlight, we believe that fills her heart with hope,” said Hendershaw. “Sure, she can’t afford groceries, but at least she knows that somewhere inside that marble fortress, sacred work is being done—probably.”
As part of the announcement, the Church also unveiled a new tagline for its modesty campaign: Modesty: It’s What’s on the Outside That Counts.
Construction on the new temples is set to begin immediately, with groundbreaking ceremonies expected to include the traditional prayer, ribbon cutting, and a small but tasteful fireworks display funded entirely by tithing dollars.
“These buildings stand as monuments to our commitment to God,” Hendershaw concluded. “And if God wanted us to spend less, He would have made celestial glory a little less… dazzling.”
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